Well I'm an opera fan --- Bizet's Carmen is the shiznit... Puccini, Rossini and especilly Wagner's stuff is ALWAYS on point, no matter how old...
Now let me read the poem and I shall endeaver to critique... ALSO just for future reference - The Critique Saloon is not a place to get to chat each other down and have lovely little t-cakes with uniced & creamed tea
1. AWESOME piece of writing... The story you weave Mr. Monster is with the best - Rumpstiltskin (sp?) couldn't begin to outthink you and your amazing posse of wit...
2. I do have a couple of suggestions
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Billy stood like Galahad,
like from the myths of old.
Arthur's only true friend,
or so Billy was told.
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This stanza is right onpoint and right-away captures the readers' attention... I'd like to have seen more reference to Galahad, perhaps even more reference (old-timey sayings of old) of Arthur and how the fall lead (no pun of course) to the Magnum being pulled. Perhaps a reference of "itchy trigger-finger" could be called into play or some such.... Perhaps a reference to Samson with slingshot or some such...
But then again the rhythm of your poem is so onpoint (again) that the
His 357 shone like silver in the sun line corroborates in the following stanza.... Very nicely done!
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Quote:
Oh Billy! Don't you kill that man today!
Lord knows it's gonna be the Devil that you pay.
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For some reason I'm wanting more "in-depth" for this stanza - Yeah Yeah Yeah - I know it's repeated but whatever ----- I'm wanting to hear the clicks of the heels:
Oh Billy! Don't you kill that Man today!
Shoot him dead as fallen prey in booted heels spurred
with malicicious intent. Lord knows
It's gonna be Him that pays...
Perhaps I wanna weave a different story LOL - but still - That particular stanza is wanting of something. I'm thinking you'd possibly want to distinguish (maybe with separated lines) between the "Lord" and the "Devil"
Somehow I see spurred boots and the ungodly click of heels in the mix...
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The Desperado stood across from him,
unaffected by the heat.
His brown hardened skin led
to calloused hands and feet.
He wore a belt of bullets,
the barrel of his shotgun and Billy's eyes would meet.
possibly rewritten with emphasis on punctuation and linebreaks... And continuity of line length...:
The Desperado stood across from Him.
Unaffected by the heat, His
brown & hardened skin
products of calloused hands and feet.
Ready with belt, bullets barrelled:
He with shotgun. Billy's eyes he'd meet.
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And all the land would remember the cry,
of Billy's sacred holy words, "Eat shit and die!"
perhaps after this stanza - 1 single line stanza:
Showdown:
Billy drew his gun.
He drew his gun. And he fired. ----> He as Desperado (name "him")
Perhaps even a breakdown of that particular stanza:
Billy drew his gun (slowmo)
Desperado - such an old lovely song
(Horses and such) - bucked
off game, pistol in hand.
He drew his gun......
hope that makes sense LOL
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Anyway - just suggestions - perhaps I see this piece totally different and don't want to know the ballad of Desperado's Magnum...
At anyrate - LOVELY piece - Awesome storyline - I'd be excited about publishing this one!
But seriously - with the last stanza:
Quote:
Oh Billy! Why'd you kill that man that day?!
Ohh, now the Devil done collect his pay.
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I'd definitely want to "hear" the click of heels - I'd want to know that it's not just a story-poem - I'd want to shiver after reading your very last line...
"Pay" to me is something thats especially touchable, feelable, gripable... It'd be a type of Texas Justice perhaps:
Oh Billy! He done killed the Man today!
Shot him dead as fallen prey in booted heels spurred
with malicicious intent.
Lord help us.
