alanmdouglas

Dear McG,

This is a pretty smooth read, but there are a few places I would like to offer you alts, for you to compare with what you have, than adopt, adapt, or chuck. There are also one or two grammar errors, which I would prefer if you did accept !

In the gathering darkness the note drifts
Swept as if a leaf upon fall’s arrival - del “if”? Also, on, not upon ?
A shadow within muted tones - add comma ?
Blue gray against the black.

A second is joined, then a third, - del “then” ?
A cascade does fall! And I, a man lost - that falls ? **
Among darkened paths,
begins the dance. - begin singular, for the “I” !

As a madman in the mist - Like a madman ?
I laugh, I sing, I shout
I sweep and swirl
Among Adagio’s kind caress. - among needs plural - caresses !

The darkness does dissolve ** The darkness disolves is cleaner ?
Rendering among the filth and brilliance - Offering ? I do not think the def of rendering quite fits ?
A simple ceramic cup
Where my soul lay within. Within which my soul resides ?

It is as beast I drink from this chalice - It is as beast that I drink from this chalice ?
The howl of my soul creates
Fodder for the poet’s pen - “provender” would be more elegant ?
And I, I am reborn anew. - too complex - and I am reborn - the again is already in the “re-“ !


** The use of “does” is a very old-fashioned device which does not suit your modern writing, another construction needs to be found in both cases.

For my first few years as a poet I resisted all those who told me NOT to CAP each line-start, now I look at my early stuff and cringe. I would suggest that you only use the CAP where there is a dot just before. This also helps enjambment shine through !

Please note that I have critted in detail here not because what you have is bad, rather, I think it very good, and offer a like polish to bring up the facets of this gem, so do not be discouraged !

Love
Alan