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In the gathering darkness the note drifts
Swept as a leaf upon fall’s arrival
A shadow within muted tones
Blue gray against the black.
I agree. Normally I remove all unneeded or extraneous words but missed the “if”. For a poem like this I like the word “upon” verses “on” for its formal feel. As far as the comma, when this poem is spoken one takes a natural breath after “tones”. I prefer that brief pause to a full pause.
A second is joined, a third,
A cascade does fall! And I, a man lost
Among darkened paths,
Begins the dance.
By removing the word “then” after joined I lose the rhythm. Perhaps if I use “next” it will flow better. I haven’t been able to convey the image of this stanza that I was going for. Imagine a quarter note off a sheet of music. One floats down in the air, then another, all of a sudden thousands of notes fall like raindrops. I am not comparing the falling notes to a cascade (that falls) but am describing an event (does fall).
A second is joined, next a third,
A cascade does fall! And I, a man lost
Among darkened paths,
Begins the dance.
As a madman in the mist
I laugh, I sing, I shout
I sweep and swirl
Among Adagio’s kind caresses.
I try not to use the word “like” in my poetry. Poetry is nothing if not metaphor and to use “like”, to me, is redundant. I was wondering about the word “caress”. I used the singular for there is only one Adagio but I can see where “among” changes it to a plural.
The darkness does dissolve
Rendering among the filth and brilliance
A simple ceramic cup
Within which my soul resides
The darkness disolves is cleaner ? Yes, but it loses the alliteration I was trying for.
Offering ? I do not think the def of rendering quite fits ? Rendering can also be the separation of oil and fats. It is an ugly, foul process. This is the fashion in which I used the word as a strong image.
Within which my soul resides? Yes, good call!
It is as beast I drink from this chalice
The howl of my soul creates
Provender for the poet’s pen
And I, I am reborn anew.
It is as beast that I drink from this chalice? Hungrily, as a savage, base, primal and wanton.
“Provender” would be more elegant? Cool. I had not heard of the word provender” before. Yes, it works better.
too complex - and I am reborn - the again is already in the “re-“ ! I don’t want to lose the pause after the first “I”. And I “pause” I am reborn anew. I like the reflective aspects. What if I remove the “re”? And I, I am born anew. Yes, better…
Corrected draft
In the gathering darkness the note drifts
Swept as a leaf upon fall’s arrival
A shadow within muted tones
Blue gray against the black.
A second is joined, next a third,
A cascade does fall! And I, a man lost
Among darkened paths,
Begins the dance.
As a madman in the mist
I laugh, I sing, I shout
I sweep and swirl
Among Adagio’s kind caresses.
The darkness does dissolve
Rendering among the filth and brilliance
A simple ceramic cup
Within which my soul resides
It is as beast I drink from this chalice
The howl of my soul creates
Provender for the poet’s pen
And I, I am reborn anew.
Alan,
Thank you for taking the time to offer suggestions on my poem. Please let me know if you have any further ideas to offer on the corrected version. I agree on the Caps at the start of each line but have not yet figured out how to change the preferences on my Word program to stop doing this for me. I will continue to try.
After making the changes I see I have more work to do now. When speaking the poem I’ve lost some of my metric flow. Ideas?
I’m still not sure about “caress vs. caresses.” If a man is surrounded by notes that envelope him in a warm, mystical event is it a singular total caress or the sum of many caresses? I wonder….
Thank you,
David
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