Hello HESTORIA - I personally like this version much better, as the detail you provide actually accentuates the title a little more than the 3-stanza version.
I do have four suggestions on how you can make this piece better.
1. Use synonyms for pain. The word pain appears in your poem 9 times
(not counting the title.) Crank out the thesaurus and use synonyms, metaphor and/or simile to describe pain.
2. Double check the spelling, definitions and puctuation. There are a few errors of each
(i.e. unperdictable, it's & hurdled --- I think you mean hurled)
3. Repetition of words needs to be at a minimum - You don't want to say the same thing over and over and over, unless stated in obvious metaphor or rhetorical simile or some sort.
4. Flamboyant language is a plus - the thesaurus is your friend
Example:
That sweet pain, that pain that fills my empty heart
Bring me the pain and let it just tear me apart
BECOMES
That sweet pain, that saccharine grief that fills my empty heart
Bring me the woe; Let it just tear me apart
Anyway - hope these suggestions help.
Jacquii.
