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Hello Kim!
Yay, I'm very glad that you added another chapter and I didn't have to wait too long for the next installment! Here are some suggestions for the first paragraph:
My heart felt as if it could burst into rose-scented potpourri just thinking of her. She waslike a forbidden gem faceted with felicity and fatal foist. As days faded into nights, my sheaf of diaries overflowed with languid murmurs of my (need) desire, craving, lust, hunger, yearning, thirst, achingto see her. {not sure of the word need}
I craved her vaporous caresses, and slumbered in the quiescence of her nocuous lullabies.-
I don't believe you need the comma after caresses to interrupt the sentence. With this noted as I was reading through your chapter I don't think that you need commas in other places as well.
My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, as beautiful as fragrant camphire.-
Since that you use as 3 times in this sentence and beauty before beautiful I would sugggest maybe some rewording so that it doesn't sound redundant using those two same words. I don't know what camphire meant and looked it up in an online dictionary but I couldn't find the definition of it. What I would suggest to change your sentence to is this. It doesn't read as smoothly as I'd like but it does cut back on the two words:
My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, like a fragrant camphire.
I felt like her secret marionette hanging on obsequious laden strings. -
Oh, this above passage it great! I love the metaphor of her being like a marionette which is how I feel like she is a puppet of her passion for the vampire and her desire to have her and be visited by her. That is definitely a great description and fits perfectly to the story and what is happening with the main character.
Anywho, I must be going to see my horse but I definitely loved how you ended the chapter as well, a great way to finish it and leave the reader with that question to ponder. It makes you want to read more and definitely grabs your interest and imagination of why did this vampire pick her and what will happen next. I enjoyed this chapter and as you know I'm a fan and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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