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Originally Posted by SarahNSH
Hello Kim!
Yay, I'm very glad that you added another chapter and I didn't have to wait too long for the next installment! Here are some suggestions for the first paragraph:
Since that you use as 3 times in this sentence and beauty before beautiful I would sugggest maybe some rewording so that it doesn't sound redundant using those two same words. I don't know what camphire meant and looked it up in an online dictionary but I couldn't find the definition of it. What I would suggest to change your sentence to is this. It doesn't read as smoothly as I'd like but it does cut back on the two words:
My mind painted her as the pinnacle of beauty, like a fragrant camphire.
I felt like her secret marionette hanging on obsequious laden strings. -
Oh, this above passage it great! I love the metaphor of her being like a marionette which is how I feel like she is a puppet of her passion for the vampire and her desire to have her and be visited by her. That is definitely a great description and fits perfectly to the story and what is happening with the main character.
Anywho, I must be going to see my horse but I definitely loved how you ended the chapter as well, a great way to finish it and leave the reader with that question to ponder. It makes you want to read more and definitely grabs your interest and imagination of why did this vampire pick her and what will happen next. I enjoyed this chapter and as you know I'm a fan and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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Thank you sooooooo much Sarah for taking precious time to read and to comment! I loved our chat today and I absolutely love your commentary and I am so grateful for your in-depth review. I see exactly what you mean by all the suggestions and implemented them ASAP! lolol I also used my real birthday of February 25th. I tried to end with a question (among others), that perhaps stood out in my readers' minds at this point.
I also felt Sascha was just hanging and allowed herself to be used like a marionette...thank you. I think you will enjoy what is coming up, and if not...I know you will help me make it better.....
lolol Next installment coming this week!
Camphire is the henna plant. Lawsonia enermis or Lawsonia alba are two names used to classify it. Cypress flower is a common name for this plant. The flowers are white and grow in clusters. The leaves are somewhat like the olive tree's. The plant grows in Egypt, Syria, and northern India.It was valued for its fragrance as well as its many uses in body artwork and in some cultures, tattooing. Estimates of its size range from four to ten feet. Some three thousand year old mummies still retain the dye found on fingernails. A common practice in ancient days was dying the soles of the feet and palms.
I love horses! We used to go riding when I was growing up on my cousin's horse farm in Lancaster, PA....and I used to ride when I lived in New Jersey. What kind of horse is it? Is it male or female? Wow!
Thanks again Sarah!
Kim
Thank you for your encouragement and support. I am sooooo happy I have you as a fan...
