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Old 07-04-2008, 02:45 AM
  post #6
SarahNSH
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Hello Cannibalistic Woman!

Well, I agree with both Anonymous Encounter and Kim that the repetition of "This is" does take away from this poem and I think that it can be so much more stronger without this and bouncing around with how to describe each line. I read through your poem and I think that it is definitely easy to tighten up this poem and have it be as strong as the images and what you are saying inside of it without the line of "This is." Also, a possible suggestions for a title is: "Tear me down all over again" "A parasitic host" "Lives falling to ashes." But, I do know that picking a title for a poem is a very personal thing but I think that these are maybe some suggestions to hopefully help out with your wanting a more creative title for it.

Also, I think the two line stanza idea is definitely a great one and a great way to have the reader take a moment to pause and just enjoy the stanza and what you're saying. Okay, and I have a suggestion for how the poem may look without "This is" and I really do like how Kim suggested it too so whatever fits you better. It's definitely your poem and I don't like playing with a poet's words with their poem so I tried to keep it as close to your original as possible. But, I'm hoping that is helpful for you because I enjoyed reading this poem and I think this is a great look into the problems that couples go through together and that they face.

Here is my suggestion, though remember this is your poem and completely up to you:

This is where you start to tear me down all over again,
we start to separate bone from skin
how our lives fall to ashes all around
your life is changed without warning or sound
when we start to bring each other down the most
missing each other like a parasitic host


So, that's just a sampling of my thought of how you could work your poem. I think that this is an interesting look into what can happen with a relationship and that you tackled this really well. I hope that my suggestions are helpful and thank you for sharing!



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