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It could be just that I'm sleep deprived, but I found myself drifting away and wanting to just skip to the end to see what happens. I don't think it's the format, though it's different from what I'm accustomed to.
I've been taught to show, not tell, the reader what's going on. You do a lot of telling the reader, me, what's going on and putting in details not needed, such as:
a person in a white car in a gray suit would not relent
on the horn. he was staring at the time. his fist pressed into the steering wheel.
I don't like to rewrite someone's work when critiquing because I don't like it myself, but I thought I'd try it once for this line, so here's my suggestion:
a man in a white car in a would not relent on the horn, his fist pressed into the steering wheel, staring at the time...
I'm also not going to go over spelling, puntuation or grammar, the latter two not my strongest suit anyway, because this reads like a rough draft (which is quite ok, lol) so as such still has a lot of revising yet and because you have a different format for the story and I want to see where you go from here.
I'm looking forward to reading and critiqing part 2.
Also, I moved this to inspiring novelists, even though it's not a book, because of its length. Please post longer pieces of work to here.
hugs,
Gail
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