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ALAN the JPiCan of Grumps Royalty
Last Online: 12-13-2008 10:08 AM
Location: Sussex, England
A/S/L: 67  
Join Date: Aug 28 2006
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Biography: Father of five, Grumps to two, I've been writing poetry since '93, and also love helping other poets
alanmdouglas has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
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Dear M,
Ihave not looked at other replies/crits, so this is virgin thought. I'll mark with a * where I suggest an alt, or word changes in CAPS. Do know that anything I offer is for you to adopt, adapt, or chuck.
The golden chariot of Helios is risen
From depths forgot' by the slits of the earth;
IT cajoles the greens 'till frost recedes, - til is simpler than 'till, as IS a word
Brings mirth to drowsy meads.
Grass grown pale and flowErs in mourning - the apost does nothing !
Coldly salute the warm, transcending gleam;
Leaves bristling, rustling in fresh air,
Awaken the wood from the last nights'* despair. * the is sing, so "last night's" is where the apost goes
A cockerel cries to life and death* alike; * no comma
The Easterly winds softly rattle the burgeons
Of oaks and pines, and rows of vines,
Freed from last ice by the heavens' shine.
Numbèd corpses of creatures' souls - drop the grave e as well
Then chainEd by slumber to fragile nests, - again, the apost adds nothing
Slowly crawl to affairs the morrow brought;
A final day of agony in a war long fought.
M, a very earnest piece, and if this was only your 3rd, pretty good !
I think you are saying that life is a struggle hardly worth bothering with ? If I have read this right, then I di not agree, lol.
Love
Alan
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