Hey TOOLEY & Welcome to the JPiC Community - You posted this poem in the Critique Saloon - so I shall endeavor to critique... In the future you may want to find a section that's a better fit for your work... Especially considering this is your first poem
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I like the directness of your poem, but for it to be publishable in my opinion - It needs a lot of work... I think this piece could well benefit by using more precise and concise language; meaning - get into the thesaurus my poetic friend...
Oh my friend
of such naive despair
Will you ever get a hint -
sitting on stagnant hands,
your mind twisted up
in co-dependence
I think your sitting back ------> action = You're sitting back...
Letting her take you in
If you two really love each other
Wouldn’t you step up for one another?
Or are you going to sit back like the time before
Letting her take you, shake you
Soon my brother, I think she’ll break you
I don’t think you love her anymore
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Those ideas are just a few suggestions to make this a publishable poem. Thanx for sharing it with us - I look forward to your 1st revision
Jacquii.
