This is for all the women out there who think a lot different from their husbands.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 time. I have succeeded 36 times, which is a average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

54 times the sheets where clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you where too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waiting the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you where sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did.

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you where too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.