Creative TraditionalCelebrating Mother Earth? Seasonal, Traditional & Rhyming poetry posts here. (i.e. sonnet, limerick, haiku & all other poetic forms as seen in the Poetry-Defined section.)
Desert Guitars
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Biography: I'm just a guy, HAPPILY married ten years (thank you--throw money, not flowers) with three kids tryin' to get by on a wage that stays the same in a world where prices simply don't. (You know the story). I love the out-of-doors, and in-of-books. I am a wordsnob and a vocabulary geek; I have a very off-kilter sense of humor based mostly in liguistics and the appreciation of the non-sequiter.
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Desert Guitars
He blinked through haze
and thought he saw Luisa,
as she had been when
they danced in red rooms
to desert guitars
and ran naked through late summer rains.
He remembered how she said she had a secret;
that she never would tell;
her eyes keeping watch on it--
down and to the left--
whenever things got too close.
He remembered the Spaniard
and the storm,
the screaming and the gun;
Luisa on the ground,
Luisa in the blood,
her secret finally safe;
the Spaniard's drooping
dripping mustache
and the rain
covering the sound of the desert guitars.
He knew the Spaniard watched now,
would be the one to smack the horse,
and waste nor frown nor grin
even as the rope popped,
the branch groaned,
and the horse cast a scornful glance
behind.
He closed his eyes ,
parted cracked lips,
and called to Luisa
to play her
desert guitar
to welcome him home
to her side.
Last edited by JeffMeyer; 07-14-2008 at 11:05 AM.
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Wow such a sad and beautiful penning Jeff. this story/poem if filled with passion drama wonderful nature scenes and the death of two lovers. great write
handshakes
bear
Biography: I am a poetry, short story, and Novel writer.
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Hello Jeff!
I really enjoyed this poem of yours and especially the imagery in it. I also like the story that you have intertwining with the poem itself. I read this poem a second time and I understand the symbolism of everything better with the second read... Luisa secret is safe because she is gone, and the Spainard is asking her to play a song to welcome him home to her side because he shared the same fate as her. Or, at least, this is what I believe is the story being told. I really liked with the second read of your poem getting even more out of it than with my first read.
I'd like to make one suggestion that you can take or leave, since it is completely up to you. I would suggest cutting back on some of the words which repeat more and try to mix up the words that are repeated more. But, of course, this is just a suggestion and completely up to you.
And, just one correction too:
He closed his eyes,-
With the above line there was an extra space after it, so I thought I'd point this out and I do this sometimes with my own poems too.
Anywho, overall I'm glad I came across this poem of yours and I hope that you find this review helpful. I also like the name of your poem as well, it really got my curiousty and made me want to click on it to read it and understand what Desert Guitars was. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing away!
Biography: I'm just a guy, HAPPILY married ten years (thank you--throw money, not flowers) with three kids tryin' to get by on a wage that stays the same in a world where prices simply don't. (You know the story). I love the out-of-doors, and in-of-books. I am a wordsnob and a vocabulary geek; I have a very off-kilter sense of humor based mostly in liguistics and the appreciation of the non-sequiter.
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JeffMeyer has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
JeffMeyer has not championed any arcade games.
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Sarah:
I agree about tightening up this poem. I wrote this a few years ago coming out of a bad slump of not writing at all for some time. After I posted it here, I read it and thought: "Wow. That could use som help." Then I got busy and never tightened it up. Maybe I'll do that today, and see what the thoughts are on the "improved" version.
Thanks for taking the time to read, and to offer some thoughts on my work!
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Dear Jeff,
First I want to say that even without a revised version...what first jumped out to me was the title. what a title and as I have mentioned before would make a great painting or drawing!! I just love storems as I call them..(story + poem). I read this a few times and with each read more images become even more vivid. The story I believe is well crafted and is quite memorable. Such is the fate of this love tragedy. The layering keeps the audience wanting more and curious as to what is next! I love it! I love the word selection as well and is most fitting with this storem. I will be looking forward to the new version should you scribe one. Thank you for sharing this as I was bragging about it in the Chat Box..tehehee...
Kim
Last edited by PaintedDiary; 07-14-2008 at 01:03 AM.
Biography: I'm just a guy, HAPPILY married ten years (thank you--throw money, not flowers) with three kids tryin' to get by on a wage that stays the same in a world where prices simply don't. (You know the story). I love the out-of-doors, and in-of-books. I am a wordsnob and a vocabulary geek; I have a very off-kilter sense of humor based mostly in liguistics and the appreciation of the non-sequiter.
Surfs The Web With:
JeffMeyer has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
JeffMeyer has not championed any arcade games.
Instant Message Info Is Private.
Kim:
Thank you twice! I'm glad you enjoyed this little piece. Your comments and support are so very much appreciated; thank you for taking the time to really read my work. That means a great deal to me.
I agree with everything that everyone has said so far. The title is great. The fourth stanza is perfect. I have a comment (to go along with what has been suggested already) and a question. In the second stanza you have "how" 3 times; "how about" he remembered that she said...but she never. (Or: he remembered she said she had a secret she would never tell.) In the last stanza who is "he;" it is not the Spaniard is it? I thought that it is the speaker getting ready to die. I love the poem.
what a title and as I have mentioned before would make a great painting or drawing!! I just love storems as I call them..(story + poem). I read this a few times and with each read more images become even more vivid. The story I believe is well crafted and is quite memorable. Such is the fate of this love tragedy. The layering keeps the audience wanting more and curious as to what is next! I love it! I love the word selection as well and is most fitting with this storem. I will be looking forward to the new version should you scribe one. Thank you for sharing this as I was bragging about it in the Chat Box..tehehee...
