MsJacquiiC

hmmm - interesting, as I'm about ready to hit the PM button
I was actually quoting to ERIK earlier the cliche "One must love himself before others can love him" And though I hate my life...... Interestingly enough I can see that I'm not the only one... So what is the secret MS MYSTY?

Jacquii.

aliss163

That was deep 'Mysty' I could really feel the emotion in this

Mysty

Well Ms Jacquii....... I have been down....low...... so low the next step was death. I hated myself.... hated my looks .... who I was... and lol I did not even know who I was. I could not see why anyone would look at me and like me. I spent years taking care of sooooo many other folks, helping them with their own problems.. and mine just got shoved to the wayside. When I hit rock bottom ..... I wrote it out. And I shared it........ I was applauded. And stupid me I thought everyone was an idiot for thinking it was anything special. Then my Mother.... who loved me unconditionally got sick with Lou Gehrig's disease, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Being the 2nd eldest of 6 kids in the family... I was the one who was my Mum's right hand.. I learned from her everything I know. Then she chose me to be her helper... her nurse.... Chose me to show her fear and pain too. All my siblings... well they just bawled when they found out she was dying.

Me? I was frozen numb ..... who would love me like that when she was gone? I pushed me back until I was only there for her. For 3 years I took care of her, spoke for her...and during all of it .... my siblings backstabbed me, accused me of stealing all her time and love and affection for myself. I was the only one who didn't cry on her shoulder. I let her cry on mine. I knew what she wanted to say when she wanted to say something. I tried leaving her alone with my siblings..... to give them time with her.. she would just keep asking for me. The one or two times I could not be with her.... I called all my siblings to see if one of them would spend time with her.... none of them ever showed up. I spent her last night ...... holding her hand all night long.. reassuring her when she got restless in her coma... till she finally died, and still I held her hand...... and I told her to go on to God because he was waiting for her.. Told her I would be there with the family until I was no longer needed.
Well that happened pretty fast. That I was no longer needed. All the accusations came to the forefront again.... and even more..... like accusations I stole her rings... that someone had seen them on my fingers. I had to go around to all of them and show them my fingers.

I had fat fingers then.... bigger than my Mum's were and I had to tell them "Look at my fat fucking fingers..... would her rings even fit on my fingers?" before anyone would believe I did not steal them. To this day they have not show up and no one has come forward about them either. I almost lost my family then. They almost lost me.. and they never even knew it. That is when I started looking at me. Inside me.... Started asking why did I hate myself when someone so wonderful as my Mum loved me. I tore me apart inside and out. And I learned things about me that I never would have believed. I thank God for carrying me all that time.. Everyone believes I am a strong person.... but I am not.

I cannot read or hear in the news about tragedy....because I feel it and it drains me so much. I feel deeply ... the pain.... everything Jacquii. And now I know how to close it off so that I can manage what is surrounding me. I learned I am an empath....... and when I feel what pain is happening to those around me ... it makes it better for them.

I learned I am a good person.... I learned I am talented.... I learned I have within me things to contribute to others... I learned I can help folks without losing myself..... and I learned the things I don't like about me .... are not as many as the things I do like about me. The things I like...... they outnumber the things I dislike now. And I am for the most part a happy person. Every once in a while I do get down but .... I am able to bounce back fairly quickly because I know I am here for more than just me.

This is how I learned .... only I can make myself happy and what makes me happy is loving and helping those around me. I hope this helps you Ms Jacquii. Anytime you want to help hon... I am willing to listen. I do not repeat confidences or share them with anyone but the teller. Even if you just need someone to growl at I am here hon.

Thanks for listening/reading

Love You,

Mysty

Mysty

Thank You Alissa for reading and commenting

MsJacquiiC

Most difficult thing to ACCEPT! One of the reasons for JPiC actually - I'm greedy a lot of times - poetry is like sustenance to me - I SOoooooo! appreciate you writing me such endearing sentiments MYSTY! I'm not too open about the bullshit that I've been through - but it seems quite intriguing to know that our plight is so similar

My Mama.... Whole different story.... Of course everyone in the family called my Grandmama Mama - if that makes any sense ---- She made the most delicate peach cobbler in Tennessee - and when we as kids (my loved ones and I) picked blackberries, we were in for a delicasy known only to the most loved of Tennessee Royalty - Mama cooked and satiated a house filled with over 11 kids - her loins was tired..... She passed when I was in highschool, colon cancer.... I've not ever loved many people since......

Your comments mean a lot to me and I thank you very very much for sharing them.

Jacquii.

Mysty

Ahh then You too know the loss of unconditional love. Once a person has recognized that...... nothing is ever the same. At the very least we have our memories hmm Ms Jacquii? They are very poignant and ours. No one can take that from us Ms Jacquii.

*Hugs*

Mysty

MsJacquiiC