erikestabrook

I look at you, and your steady view, you were just the type,
but why waste a second when we have our whole lives to fight,

I'm not up and your not down,
I keep your look of pain in place of my own,
if you're Saint then I must be King of the world,
We're made to feel like you were part of God,
but you were just an early relative of Sod,

So I'm clay but could you spare your heart,
it wasn't there when I needed it,
for our lives you're bleeding,
Are you refuge or ruin?,

Moss it hasn't greened your face yet,
I'd give all my stars to see you in replacement,

The topic today is how we waste away,
and how i'll never be you,
I'm foul-shaped and crude,
immune to the world,
but still drifting away,
if only I could say you're my summer rain,
while I mix in these times are where no one wants to be a lingering face,
pictures are targets, paintings easy to erase,

My destiny lies in some dull plain,
while my only wish is to be half of your glorious gaze.

Amzy

*reviewed by request*

Erik, you can do better. This poem is difficult to read because the poems is a jumble of ideas based on a theme of pain and longing directed toward the title, but the ideas don't flow together.

Your punctuation is scattered, sometimes perfect, sometimes incorrect, and sometimes unused. You give the sense of writing this at several different times, and never proofreading for consistency. For this poem, I would recommend proper punctuation because the ideas are already hard to follow.

Opening line, "do you see to" should read "do you see too"...missing that extra 'o' makes the poem start off difficult to read.
"its not you its us,' should be "it's not you it's us," and that phrase should be segregated somehow, personally, I'd use a dash in front.

"What can you say for yourself" would read better if it was "What you can say for yourself" -OR- if that segment ended with a question mark instead of a comma and the "is" was dropped from the next line.

I don't have a clue what you mean in the lines "When I sunk in the surface, must you see everything, I may even have more purpose than a crystal ball or acid rain"

After that line, the poem picks up tremendously in quality. You have more cohesion, appropriate punctuation, and well drawn metaphors. You did seem to mix past tense with present in "If you were a Saint then I must be...". It might read better all present tense.

Though some of your ideas are good, I can't say that any particular one is outstanding.

Maybe it's my mood at the moment, or maybe you've set the bar too high with your previous work. Sorry for the harsh words.

Altree94

Awww Erik! This is such a sad poem!
Amz is right about the technical stuff but I can see
the heartbreak in this right through it.
I think there is only one line that needs clarification and that is "My destiny lies some dull plain".
Other than that - I like it!

erikestabrook

thanks tree this poem almost caused a breakdown for me,
I got so used to hearing only good things I guess,
amz your comments are still apprcated

Echoes

I can apprecate the depth of emotion in this write, but I agree, it does need some revision, keep writing

v3sista

"E"-

Sweetie, I just read and gave a awesome review 2 another post of yours. Take the good w/ the bad and don't be hindered. "That which doesn't kill us- only makes us stronger", U know that! U know U have the skillz...U can work this out...

Much luv 2 ya still,
V3

Storytime

Erick, I think that the main failing of free verse is its false freedom. You still need meter and stress, but most of all identifiyable organized content. No one can see into your mind and therefore appreciate the feeling you wish to convey. You must expresss those thoughts cogently and take your lumps when you don't.

As Bugs said to the wolf, "How many lumps you want?" However, this is not the critique forum, you didn't ask for any lumps!

erikestabrook

I didn't ask for any but wrote so badly that I got my due storytime I hope you'd take my other works as scripture and this as folly, it made sense to me but only me, v3 thanks for reveiwing my other work nic eto know I can count on someone,
I didn't want this to be an issue which is why I wanted to delete it but you all make valid points so you can read a better one of mine then bury this one please