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Creative Traditional Celebrating Mother Earth? Seasonal, Traditional & Rhyming poetry posts here. (i.e. sonnet, limerick, haiku & all other poetic forms as seen in the Poetry-Defined section.)

Technicolour Dreams
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Old 09-03-2006, 02:15 AM
  post #1
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Technicolour Dreams
Technicolour Dreams

Technicolour dreams -
Escape from the screams,
The glaring neon lights
Lighting the city frights.
Here comes the black and white
So act like all's alright
Summon up a vodka smile
Just until you taste that bile.
And though demons rule the day
At night everything's okay
As you sink into prozac sleep
Colourful dreams will slowly creep
To the mind, it's such a shock -
Colours that the real world mocks.
Drift along, forget what's real,
Take this dream, a chance to feel.
Know you are safe, rest easy,
Then the alarm blares, BEEP BEEP!
Take your paints and draw yourself a smile
In hope the colours will last a while.
But they never do, as you well know,
It's all just a cocaine induced show.
Step into the grayish light,
Try to fight a losing fight
To bring the colours back to life
But you can't paint using your knife
It's already covered in innocent blood
From the hope that you killed and left in the mud.

~Serenity~
Last edited by ~Serenity~; 10-17-2006 at 11:12 PM.
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Old 09-03-2006, 11:48 AM
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your wowing me now, every verse here was awesome
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Old 09-03-2006, 03:39 PM
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Just...incredible.
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Old 09-03-2006, 06:15 PM
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Dear Serenity,
This was simply fabulous you know. So experienced and I felt I was in the poem! You have captured my interest with the title alone...then your talent knocked me off my volcano!!!!!!! Loved it. Please continue to spread your lyrical wings sister!! Take Care!

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Old 09-04-2006, 06:09 PM
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Hehe, thanks guys! This is my favourite poem (of mine) by far, so it's great that it was recieved so wonderfully!
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Old 09-04-2006, 08:15 PM
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I can't believe I'm being chastised for not being critical...so by request, let the nit-picking begin. But I still love the poem.

Slow the pace a little, you have some different ideas, so maybe put a space after each main point. Every four lines or such.

Lose the commas, they are interrupting your smooth flow.

Why did you abandon rhyme for the couplet:

"Know you are safe, rest easy,
Then the alarm blares, BEEP BEEP!"?

I wouldn't change it, interrupt the sleep with an interruption of rhyme, it works, I'm just wondering.

And maybe that rest would be better served with "'Til" instead of "Then".

Your syllable counts are off with these two couplets:

Take your paints and draw a smile, (7)
In hope the colours will last a while. (9)

But they never do, as you well know, (9)
It's just a cocaine induced show. (8)

Your choice of words are great, you've created some excellent phrases.
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Old 09-04-2006, 08:17 PM
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This was great, Sweetie! Hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions though. To get that S off of mocks try "colours reality would mock" and your rhyme is off with "easy" and "beep" - try "know you are safe, in your sleep". Overall, I gotta agree with Amz!



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