Fug-azi

For Critique


So sweet,
the congealment of tresses
splayed across twisted sheets,
like interlocking chaos
of discarded clothes,
or stench of unused sex
lying obsolete upon stained skin.

So different
from the vodka intimate moment,
when like chimera we were but one body
melded in juices of carnal war,
gone in tongue tied terets verbiage.

So empty,
now the ceasefire has arrived,
casual conversation cast to the floor
like coins for a harlot, bitter residue
of burnt passion ingrained in chemical
reactions that make memories,

make regrets,

but can never, make amends.

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I feel this is little wordy, but after trying various ways I can't find a suitable way to remove some the of the padding.

Any help greatfully recieved

butchiesmom

The image here is fantastic and easy to see!

when like (a) chimera we were but one body I like this image)

from the vodka(-) intimate moment, (alcoholic induced intimacy)

gone in tongue(-) tied Tourette's verbiage. I like this too. Most people know what Tourette's Syndrome is and what the people who suffer from this endures.

All in all, a great poem. I've bolded suggestions. I hope this helps.
hugs,
Gail