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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
my first post.. it will be a pleasure to lemme know how you feel... thanks

broken (still thinking of a better title)
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Old 07-02-2008, 10:37 AM
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broken (still thinking of a better title)
i feel like smiling
everybody wants to smile with me!
i feel like singing
everybody wants to sing with me!
i feel like dancing
everybody wants to dance with me!
i feel like laughing
everybody wants to laugh with me!

i feel like flying
anybody wants to fly with me?

spreading my wings across the crimson tide
high above the cloudless skies
freeing myself from endless cries
chilling with the breeze as i take a glide

screaming on top of my lungs
"THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"
and then i bleed, bitten by life's bloodthirst fangs
reality hurts, came to stab me like a knife.

i feel like running
anybody wants to run away with me?
i feel like raging
anybody wants to rage with me?
i feel like crying
anybody wants to cry with me?

i feel like dying
anybody wants to die with me?...
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Old 07-02-2008, 02:29 PM
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Hi rootcropped brain!

I like the ebb and flow of this piece, and the merging from happy to hurt, then depressed and giving up. It’s the quintessential nature of humans…we’re with you when you’re sending out good vibes, but when you’re down, we’re gone…well, most of us anyway. I see a reality check in the wording, and your awareness of the fickleness of humankind…nice piece!

Nomad



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Old 07-03-2008, 10:39 AM
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I like the fast pace of this piece, Kei! Love the laughter and the smiles at first. The feeling of wanting to soar. Then comes the wound and the sorrow, the deep plunge. The emotions in this poem are quite strong. I'm sure we've all felt it.

You've brought the reason for 'rainy day friends' those who are with us, not just during the good times but the bad as well. I would rather have one rainy day friend than dozens of acquaintances.

This is a great poem, Kei! I look forward to reading more of your work!



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Old 07-03-2008, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by nomadicrhymer View Post


Hi rootcropped brain!

I like the ebb and flow of this piece, and the merging from happy to hurt, then depressed and giving up. It’s the quintessential nature of humans…we’re with you when you’re sending out good vibes, but when you’re down, we’re gone…well, most of us anyway. I see a reality check in the wording, and your awareness of the fickleness of humankind…nice piece!

Nomad
thanks ms. therese...uhm sounds like mysteries
thanks for feeling it...
may all of us be a good friend at anytime at any weather...
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Old 07-03-2008, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by butchiesmom View Post
I like the fast pace of this piece, Kei! Love the laughter and the smiles at first. The feeling of wanting to soar. Then comes the wound and the sorrow, the deep plunge. The emotions in this poem are quite strong. I'm sure we've all felt it.

You've brought the reason for 'rainy day friends' those who are with us, not just during the good times but the bad as well. I would rather have one rainy day friend than dozens of acquaintances.

This is a great poem, Kei! I look forward to reading more of your work!
thanks ms. gail!
hope everybody will feel my piece too...treasure a true friend, coz a true friend is really precious and priceless..
thanks for feeling it....
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Old 07-04-2008, 02:21 AM
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even tho it goes from good to bad, there is an aloofness about the whole piece, almost lighthearted, which makes me confuse myself. but i like it cuz its not the regular humdrum piece about mood swings.

zaa



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Old 07-04-2008, 10:49 AM
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thanks for feeling it differently zaac!
there's a suggestive feeling of aloofness and lighthearted maybe because eventhough good times went bad, at least once, life has been great and maybe that is enough and that is all we need...
thanks for your time to read my piece.



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