shayshay741

I would love some critisism on it [i have to hand this in as part of a project... blah!]... and oooh if you need to kill time i would love your interpretation of it! You guys rock soo much.



Can You Hear the Music?

Just sitting here alone in my chair,
I close my eyes, and I think of you
I get lost in the sense of floating,
My mind is swept somewhere far away
to where dreams never fade, never end

The music calls me and lulls me to safety,
a place that can only be found in the heart
A place in the heart,
that only became,
because there was you.
Because there was you and me

There is no place on earth,
that can make this feeling true.
It is part of a dream
that lives inside of me.
And maybe inside of you?

Can you hear the music,
does it rock you to sleep,
does it pull on your emotions
running so deep?

Does it make you want to dream,
to float and to soar?
To live inside that dream
now and forever more?

Smile and dance...
Feel the music, mesmerize and tantalize…

Let the Soul be free,
until the day of the dream.

zaac

i'm assuming that you're wanting to use this as lyrics? if so, it flows pretty well. the first stanza is first verse, then to the part about there is not place on earth as the bridge and then can you hear the music as the chorus, second stanza second verse etc and fade with the last two lines. yes it would work. not hearing the music, but its doable.

zaac

shayshay741

Actually, and this is funny, its not lyrics but just a poem for a school project. The funny part is that i have been singing the words randomly during the day, but its not sopposed to be a song! hmm... maybe thats its destiny :p

Mysty

Just sitting here alone in my room, Because presumably one is alone in a chair
I close my eyes and think of you you don't need so many I's all close together
I get lost in a sensation of floating, because floating is not a sense but a sensation
My mind is swept somewhere far away
to where dreams never end or fade two never ... is one too many

The music speaks to me and lulls me to safety,
a place that can only be found deep in the heart;
that only became,
because there was you
and eventually me too. 2 because close together ...... too many


There is no place on earth,
that can make this feeling true.
It is part of a dream
that lives inside of me.
maybe it lives inside you too?

the rest is wonderful imho (in my humble opinion) You can use or lose these ideas I have added to your work.


Mysty

PS. Hope I wasn't too late for your assignments deadline

Anonymous Encounter

Can you hear the music,
does it rock you to sleep,
does it pull on your emotions
running so deep?

i love your use of the music pulling them in, it gives great imagery.


Smile and dance...
Feel the music, mesmerize and tantalize…

i think the second line interupts the flow of the poem.

sorry if someone already stated this, i'm learning to critique. i hope i wasn't too late!