PaintedDiary

Dear Hugh,

I did not forget you, will be back to review and was waiting on a little explanation. Thank you. Want to give this my undivided attention.

Kim

Beth Castillo

I hope you don't mind if I have a go at critiquing this poem even though I'm a noob

On my first run through your poem I thought "Challenger! It's about the Challenger disaster." The Canaveral Cream was obviously (in my mind) the best and brightest: I perceived you meant the astronauts who died.

This stanza sealed the "Challenger" theme for me:

"Their final telemetry chatters home
before they surrender their unseen wings
and fail, spiralling, beautifully polished
with a hypnotic drone."

I saw in my mind’s eye the explosion as I saw it on Television that day when I read that…

(Oh, and I’m not sure if “spiralling” is spelled correctly in your country, but here in the US it’s spelled “spiraling.” I’m constantly struggling with my spelling so things like that really bug me. )

…and:

"Women shower and tinsel; pain and disbelief
vapourise - "

That's EXACTLY how I felt upon seeing it disintegrate. The first civilian, a teacher and a woman, was on that flight. A great deal of our pain and disbelief was the thought of this brave woman perishing along with the trained astronauts.
(I’m sure “vapourise” is spelled that way … it’s just … this dumb American wants it to read “vaporize” … *sigh* … don’t mind me)
And finally:

"Forever
new fairy tales chatter and wink, as the lonely
stars hang in an expectant sky."

This part speaks to me of the hope to return to space, which we have.

After reading this several times more, I see now that this poem is much more than that. The Challenger disaster was one small episode in the history of NASA. This poem packs a great deal of information about the space program because there are so many ways the abstract concepts can be interpreted. I picked up on the Challenger disaster because in my mind’s eye that was the most poignant. Someone else might see in it the passion and/or hope the concept of space exploration brings ... or perhaps our first ventures into space ... I don't know. My ability to articulate what I'm seeing fails me...

I enjoy reading this out loud. It is passionate as well as intelligent.

"ripping orange wounds of con-
cussion across the blue-black."

These lines are not only vivid and colorful; they also trip wonderfully across the tongue when spoken. I just love that.

hugho

Beth,
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. You have given my poem such a fantastic critique!

H

BekiLynn

I understood all of it until the last two stanzas which I found very confusing...even wondered if we speak the same English. I do have a college degree and a large vocabulary -- I cannot connect at all with "women shower and tinsel" even after reading your explanation...how do women "tinsel"? Your spellings of vaporize and digitize would be considered misspelled here but then I know of the english tendency to stick "ou" in where we use only "o" or to use "re" where we use "er"...I guess maybe sometimes you use "s" where we would use "z". I am also confused by how children can be disassembled and yet aggregate...they ar eindeed in conflict....and lastly, I don't think it is wise to s[it "concussion" across two lines...it serves no purpose but to cause the reader to stumble...do you have a particular reason for doing that?