The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only! A poem about mankind's ability to turn technological wonder into death
Canaveral Cream
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Biography: I write from and about working-class life in Scotland.
hugho has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
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Canaveral Cream
FOR CRITIQUE
I am looking for some other eyes to have a look at this poem. I will be submitting it as part of a portfolio for my BA (Hons.) Degree in October. I'm interested in particular the views on non-UK readers!
Canaveral Cream
(Draft #3)
Concentrated and primed
hemispheres clutter drawing-boards;
this jetsam is scraped into polished
tubes of white and NASA livery.
Dragging and lifting and shedding their
Canaveral Cream, they slip upwards,
ripping orange wounds of con-
cussion across the blue-black.
Their final telemetry chatters home
before they surrender their unseen wings
and fail, spiralling, beautifully polished
with a hypnotic drone.
Petals darken and freeze.
Land ejects. Disassembled
children aggregate the pavements
beneath the strobing air.
Women shower and tinsel; pain and disbelief
vapourise - digitised and syndicated. Forever
new fairy tales chatter and wink, as the lonely
stars hang in an expectant sky.
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Biography: Teachers, like candles; consume a little of ourselves everyday, so our students can shine bright.
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PaintedDiary has not championed any arcade games.
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Hi Kaya.....this may help a bit...
Canaveral is a sandy promontory extending into the Atlantic Ocean from a barrier island on the east-central coast of Florida. It is the site of NASA's Kennedy Manned Space Flight Center, the launching area for U.S. space missions.
and...
NASA is a U. S. Space agency and is an acronym for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
Hmm. I am wondering....is this poem about a failed mission?
About how a rocket exploded....?
It is a interesting transition to the creamy, lightness....
to the darker tone.
It is interesting how you broke your phrases in different places...
i myself found the part
"Concentrated and primed
hemispheres clutter drawing-boards;"
oddly...cut. But, if you were not describing hemispheres, then it's fine :]
This verse:
"Petals darken and freeze.
Land ejects. Disassembled
children aggregate the pavements
beneath the strobing air."
very...interesting choice of words.
Land ejects....gives a certain feel.
But then...right away, you have a contradiction....because disassembled and aggregate (had to look it up-means to combine...hehe!) are.....almost if not opposites.
Hmm. I wonder what you are trying to convey by having the disassembled...perhaps you are trying to suggest they are on their own, or unorganized? hmm.
This verse...also kinda confused me:
" Women shower and tinsel; pain and disbelief
vapourise - digitised and syndicated. Forever
new fairy tales chatter and wink, as the lonely
stars hang in an expectant sky."
How do women shower and tinsel? Maybe....are you going for the feel of things? or conveying a story...?
[[lol, is that how you spell vaporize in the UK? cool!]]
I love the last line.....
Good job, overall!
You do not have to change anything on my behalf :]
I just thought you deserved some sort of critique...since i like it xD
haha!
Wish you in the best of luck in your schooling!
Biography: I write from and about working-class life in Scotland.
hugho has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
hugho has not championed any arcade games.
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Hi,
Thank you VERY much for giving me the feedback - I can certainly use it in my University submission!
"This verse...also kinda confused me:
"Women shower and tinsel; pain and disbelief
vapourise - digitised and syndicated. Forever
new fairy tales chatter and wink, as the lonely
stars hang in an expectant sky."
How do women shower and tinsel? Maybe....are you going for the feel of things? or conveying a story...? "
The aim of this part of the poem is to convey a change in the type/use of technological advancement; we can blast missiles towards space in the search for answers to mankind, or we can launch missiles that obliterate men, women and children - as we sit at home and watch the news updates through CNN, BBC, again assisted through 'technological advancements'.
We seem to have become to preoccupied with technological destruction, and have
neglected searching the frontiers of space.
Biography: I published my first work at the age of 23, "People Poetry", since then 10 or so publications
Jer4clarity has not championed any arcade games.
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Hugh,
The first question is: who is your audience?
For me personally, I struggled with your poems meanings...however, I don't know that I was your targeted audience, so I haven't commented until now. But I know that you really do want some feed back so I will brave this one. To me this poem is very abstract. While I know about NASA and the Cape I was definitely challenged to put Canaveral and Cream together. Canaveral being a launching pad and cream being the richest part of milk. So, I thought maybe this was a sexual poem at first. Launching Pad, cream. But then as I read the rest I was sure that this was not what your meant.
And so, while I know that this poem has great meaning to you, I wasn't able to connect. Of course I only had one year of college and your poem has an intellectual feel to it.
Have you read any William Wordsworth poetry. In his Preface To the Second Edition of Lyrical Ballads he discusses Poetry, Prose and Poets. He points out that some poets use a higher discourse than others. Wordsworth chose to use simple and un-elaborated expressions and thought of nature as his dictionary. However, because of the technical nature of your subject I can see where you would use more elaborate expressions and I believe that your audience will understand your expressions.
I have written many abstract pieces and I know by the responses that there have been times that I knew exactly what I had conveyed but mostly others did not. Then I would find someone who had the knowledge or experience my poem exemplified and bingo....They GOT IT!
I hope I haven't injured your poetic inclination because I would never want to do that to anyone.
