lovefool

I need some critique and I want to know what people think it's talking about. I want to make sure people understand what I'm trying to say at least somewhat =)


The Caries of Lune

luminescent.

oh how you are viewed
by mere mortals.
enlightened, only I

you shift looks,
crescent, blue,
mien, each time I glance,
the air is different where,

you stood.

the love you swear
to carry. Callous liar,
sporting Saturn’s ring
screwing Pluto

my amour you were.
once.
you hide in shadows,
behind his brume.

oh lune!
how you’ve

stabbed me.
caries, decay.
lune,
a sliver of greatness.
shine no more (should I keep this line?)

Sartor

lovefool..........I am not really sure what you are trying to say here. Something about decay of perhaps a lunar eclipse with the eclipse being love. Somewhere in your words must be buried a metaphor but for me it is highly deiguised. I would be interested in knowing what it is you are talking about.

lovefool

It is about the decay of love. It's about a man who's talking about the moon (which represents his wife) and how it shift's it's appearance (like a blue moon, a crescent moon) which represents how his wife lies to him and is having an affair. It's really just about their love and her affair and how everyone thinks she's great but he knows the truth about her. And of course he is 'Saturn' and her lover is 'Pluto'.

Sartor

Lovefool.............it all makes sense now........thank you for your explanation.
Happy New Year

MsJacquiiC

Hey LOVEFOOL - seems your name preceeds you - This poem personifies LOVEFOOL to a T lol - I had to google "caries" - Didn't know what it is - I googled it before reading your poem - So the 1st few lines didn't seem quite right to me...

Nearing the end of the poem - I'm like WHOA! AWESOMENESS - The last line is definitely right on point to what you're saying (especially considering the title)

Your poem is about 2-faced assholes who have misused, abused and totally mistreated another; All the while masquerading as something "really nice..."

I like it! The abstract style is right on point - Seems to personify what I would like to say - but then again if I said it - I think noone around here would understand LOL - But to the poet.......... To the wordsmith...... Golden!

I do have a few suggestions on how to make this piece publishable. Consider - but seriously it is quite publishable as is:
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luminescent.

oh how you are viewed
by mere mortals.
enlightened, only I

you shift looks,
crescent, blue,
mien, each time I glance,
the air is different where,

you stood.

---- Maybe consider dropping the apostrophy after "where," as well as the line break - "the air is different where you stood." - is the complete thought - don't break it up.... Just one stanza.

the love you swear
to carry. Callous liar,
sporting Saturn’s ring
screwing Pluto

my amour you were.
once.
you hide in shadows,
behind his brume.

oh lune!
how you’ve

stabbed me.
caries, decay.
lune,
a sliver of greatness.
shine no more

---- consider:
oh lune! how you've
stabbed me.

caries is decay
oh lune. a sliver of greatness
you were...

Shine no more!

--- notice the elipsis with the added "you were..." Makes the reader linger - makes them want to know what happened for the CHANGE

--- notice also the capital "S" --- Shine no more! - exclamation point to accentuate your very own sentiments. The only capital in the entire poem tends to stand out - especially in such an abstract piece. The exclamation point ends the piece STRONGLY, with FINALITY!

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Just a few suggestions, as this is the Critique Saloon
Very nice poem - I like it very much = exquisite piece of abstract.
And as far as the last line - Yep! Keep it

Jacquii.

ps - Thanx for sharing!