The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
The Chain
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A chain anchored
to my leg weighing
my weary body down.
Each link symbolizing
passages in my life
that has occurred
over the past year.
Anger,
Anguish,
Anxiousness,
Confusion,
Depression,
Fear,
Guilt,
Loneliness,
Misery,
Tension,
Uncertainties…
Portions of each link!
New links, HEAVIER
rapidly add on as more
complications pierce this life.
Soon I will sink
beneath water
to my final demise.
Last edited by J. Marie; 08-19-2006 at 09:50 AM.
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Dear J. Marie,
Again, I am sorry to read the pain. However, as far as the writing critique, you have placed me in the pain. One of the key's to writing is placing your audience in the poem or story, where actually feet, or are moved, and such...you did this for me. I have only two suggestions...1) the last stanza perhaps could be separated to add strength to your ending....where as it becomes.....
New links, heavier
rapidly add on as more
complications pierce this life.
Soon I will sink
beneath water
to my final demise.
and 2) the words chosen to describe "Your Chain", if you will......
Anger, Anguish,
Anxiousness, Confusion,
Depression, Fear,
Guilt, Loneliness,
Misery, Tension,
Uncertainties.................may be creatively structured like a chain link, to add artistically, and add strength. Not really sure how to do this, but my mind says to have the words arranged like a chain link (Must be the Artist in me)...
Thank you for your review..I will keep your advice in mind. Now that I look at the poem more...I should have or could have separated those emotions that are links to the chain.
Thanks again.....
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