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    JPiC Portal » Main Forum Index » Poetic Colours » The Critique Saloon

The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
1st post in this forum. Looking for any help. Your suggestions are appreciated.

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Old 01-23-2008, 03:55 AM
  post #1
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They prey on our willingness to be comatose.

Our rainbows of pills provide us no other way.

Red stops deviance by anger.

Orange speeds productivity.

Yellow, spirituality,

Green combats all of one’s envy

Blue ensures one’s civility.

Indigo kills reality

Violet hides anxiety.

White provides us focus with monotony,

While addressing all that the future hurls our way.

With their dutiful drones in line,

They build their city out of reach.

Fragile as a tower of cards,

The city depends on our will.

Any disturbance and the top

Two levels will fall, but the strong

Foundation is well-built by hands

Beautifully designed to build.
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Old 01-28-2008, 07:25 AM
  post #2
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Biography: Jacquii Cooke is a 32 year old Black Poet from Oak Ridge, Tennessee. As Webmistress of Poetry in Color Forum, she is devoted to the more abstract styles, especially those with a strong feminine voice that center around the topic of redemption and righting the wrongs of past transgressions.
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-- I think this is a lovely write SETH - It's a bit of a list poem that segues into an epiphany of sorts.... I do have a few suggestions that would make this poem publishable.

1. Structure... The formatting is off a bit. The poem would LOOK better if the lines where more of an equal length. ALSO - Of course you copy/pasted the poem - and it looks like it. There's no stanzas. I think three stanzas would suffice: the opening, the list poetics described by colors, then the finale stanza = epiphone... Stanzaic formatting would make this poem so richer in depth, as the reader can then know where you want to end one though and begin another...

2. Capital letter formatting. I'm not much a fan of each line beginning with a capital letter, especially if one line goes in to the next line, making one single thought frame... I think this poem could benefit well - by beginning each sentence with a capital letter, as if writing a regular sentence... This again will help the reader identifiy with the beginning thought and the end thought.

3. Color descriptions... When listing the colors - I think the poem would stand out a bit more if you used a simile or even a synonym of the color you seek to present.

EXAMPLE:

They prey on our willingness to be
comatose. Our rainbows of pills
provide us no other way.

Crimson brick stops deviant anger,
sunset orange speeding productivity
bisqued in steep spirituality;
Emerald combats all of one’s envy
shadowed in cerulean, ensuring
one’s civility. Indigo kills reality
whilst violet hides anxiety.
Ivory towers - Provide us focus
with monotony while addressing
all that the future hurls our way.

With their dutiful drones in line,
they build their city out of reach.
Fragile as a tower of cards,
the city depends on our will.
Any disturbance and the top
two levels will fall, but the strong
foundation is well-built by hands
beautifully designed to build.


------------------------------
------------------------------
Just an example... Notice by changing the endlines and adding a bit of "definition" the color list - the poem becomes slightly abstract and the meaning takes on a bit of subtle change, yet the depth of the poem is thickened.

You may use the advice or ditch it as you like - I hope the suggestions have helped

Again- a very nice write, though my poetic love leans toward the more abstract styles LOL - as you can tell by the suggestions... Thanx for sharing your poem.

Jacquii.



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Old 01-29-2008, 01:42 AM
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Wow! I wish I had you available 24/7. Your suggestions have been the most meaningful yet. I've just began writing poetry; I'm something shy of a novice. Yet, I've learned immensely from your post. By the way, your absolutely right. Your version is beautiful.

I have an idea. When I want to vent, if there's something I can't repress and must write, I'll send you the idea, specific tenenats, and wait for you to send my poem back to me. Then, I'll claim it as my own. Just kidding.

I can't thank you enough for the advice. It'll be difficult to revise, because every revision will be measured against your suggestions. I have to go out of town for a few days. When I return, I'll see what I can do. Thanks again. Write on!
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Old 01-29-2008, 12:20 PM
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I agree with Jacquii's suggestions. One suggestion of my own...please don't worry about measuring your work against other's suggestions.

Everyone, including myself, benefits from suggestions on their work. Trust me when I say that even if you follow her suggestions and revise your work accordingly, you will look at it later and find ways to make it your own.

Don't worry about it. You're doing ok. Take each suggestion for what they are...suggestions. Otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy, lol.

Gail
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Old 01-29-2008, 01:40 PM
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Biography: Jacquii Cooke is a 32 year old Black Poet from Oak Ridge, Tennessee. As Webmistress of Poetry in Color Forum, she is devoted to the more abstract styles, especially those with a strong feminine voice that center around the topic of redemption and righting the wrongs of past transgressions.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butchiesmom View Post
please don't worry about measuring your work against other's suggestions.
ABSOLUTELY!
---------------
---------------

I am glad though SETH that my suggestions make sense... I will look forward to the 1st revision and again Welcome to the Community

Jacquii.

please note - the very last stanza of my suggested revision - not a word was changed - it really is a lovely poem!



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Old 01-29-2008, 06:22 PM
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Very good poem especially for a novice. it has multiple meaning if you look at it long enough and just let your mind go as you read it.
Good job. Do you have any more like it?



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