The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
December 20th, 1991
this thread has 1 replies and has been viewed 191 times
Biography: I want to be a DJ...I have a passion for listening
hassassin has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
hassassin has not championed any arcade games.
Instant Message Info Is Private.
December 20th, 1991
I wrote this last year, and just would like to know what some people feel when they read it. EnjoY : )
Breaking news,
Broken rules:
Smashed glass & fires spewed from the past!
Children Scream away their dreams!
No more time for them; as all good things-
this is the end.
It came without warning, the night to dark to be right.
The cold hearts started to fight.
Now they're the only souls in sight.
What would have been twilight, was something-
Only a fraction more bright.
Like the good Time's past.
And of our Love that didn't last.
All we need is nil a second
...For an Atomic blast...
Look for the message...And you'll find the bottle.
Unzip reality...And it will fit your dreams.
JPiC Forum Sponsor Links • This Forum is enhanced with content-revelevant advertisings...
JPiC Whole-Post Ad Policy
Whole-Post advertisings are shown only to JPiC Forum For Writers' Guests. Once successfully registered, such ads will not be shown. CLICK HERE to register your 100% FREE JPiC account today and become an active Member of our Community for Poets & Writers!
Biography: Am a Mom extraordinaire.... my kids just don't want to leave home.
Mysty has not championed any arcade games.
Instant Message Info Is Private.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hassassin
I wrote this last year, and just would like to know what some people feel when they read it. EnjoY : )
Breaking news,
Broken rules:
Smashed glass & fires spewed from the past!
Children Scream away their dreams!
No more time for them; as with all good things-
this is the end.
It came without warning, the night too dark to be right. All cold hearts started to fight;
Now they're the only souls in sight.
What would have been twilight, was something-
Only a fraction more bright.
Like good time's of the past
and our Love that didn't last;
all we really need is a millionth of a second
...For an Atomic blast...
Look for the message...And you shall find the bottle
Unzip reality...and it will fit your dreams!
My thoughts/edits are in bold Hassassin..... You can use or lose any of my suggestions but truthfully .. I think some areas needed the expansion.
Now about the poem's content..... what an awesome subject......... and an even better write. Thank you for sharing.
JPiC Radio
Creativity Outlet
Magnet Poetry
JPiC Arcade
Video System
Shoutbox
![[vB Favorites]](http://jpicforum.info/gfx_02s/buttons/favorites_lg.gif)
Linear Mode
