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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
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Decisions of Dreams
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Old 02-17-2007, 02:26 AM
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Decisions of Dreams

As lasting moonbeams shine their light
And life's long shadow bids out of sight
An old man sighs his long last breath
And hears no more for here is death

Afloat, he looks at his past life
And all his dreams have brought him strife
Away he wants to throw his past
And make these griefs be his sad last

About to sail into the sky
And live his dream so he can fly
Around the sun he sails and reels
And makes his dream seem oh so real

Along his path he sees his love
And bids her come from up above
At last they meet in hugs and tears
And they must kiss as each one nears

Aches and pains move out of sight
And all he sees her radiant light
Alas he has a choice to make
And he must know what is at stake

Askance, he looks between his love
and his great dreams up from above
Aloud, his thoughts yell from all ways
And he just steams for days and days

Abrupt, he throws up his two hands
And wishes that God gave him plans
"Abate, my thoughts!" he yells at space
And soon he wonders what does he chase

Away he thinks he ponders and steams
And then he asks "Which one can gleam?"
Awed at his dream it seems so good
And sailing far seems understood

Also, he thinks that there is love
And figures that it's like a glove
At last he makes that great decision
And comes in time to his clear vision

Asking himself that one last time
And knowing that choice is sublime
Amid his thoughts he dreams his love
And figures that she is his dove

Around his ship they do not cease
And finally love has brought him peace



(okies, it's not done...just that I'm trying to make everything start with an "A" word and then "and" Then an "A" word and so on and so on...and right now, i'm running out of ideas of "A" words... *sigh*..BUT I DID ADD A NEW VERSE ...in blue..



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Last edited by mangodroplet; 02-21-2007 at 01:36 AM. Reason: spacing :]
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Old 02-19-2007, 06:28 PM
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I like this poem...It tells a very nice story and flows pretty well, the only critiques I would have is to seperate this into two poems and allow yourself to take some of the stanzas into a more in-depth detailed piece of work, I would say to go over each stanza and think of how you can continue that in more detail and also to get smoother transitions from one stanza to the other because some of them seem a bit abrupt and almost like a complete change from the one above it...If you'd like I could go over it and give a few specific examples of what I mean...



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Old 02-19-2007, 06:33 PM
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please!!! haha
yes, examples are good, because I'm not too sure how to do what you're saying...

haha as I said, I am CLUELESS

yes...i know some *ok a lot of it* is abrupt..this is rough, thus why it's here :]

and i'm always welcome for indepth analysis and examples!
thanks for your imput!!!



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Old 02-21-2007, 12:52 AM
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Hi Mango! Nice story line and I agree with King, it does need more description to it. The only other thing is that the line spacing makes it appear to be a very long poem which can seem daunting to some readers. You can still add to it and make it appear shorter by turning it into rhyming couplets or combine two stanzas to make one quatrain verse.
Hope that helps!
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Old 02-21-2007, 01:21 AM
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true! okies i'm going to go fix it now!



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Old 02-21-2007, 02:43 AM
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Sheesh, having just posted several LONG poems, I can't critique the length, can I? hehe but I agree with KingAve...it does flow well and has taken some dexterity to achieve what you're attempting...every line starts with an "a" AND an "a word"? kinda tough...but you have done well with it....if you do add more detail in, you might have a difficult time maintaining that....is this just a personal challenge for yourself? I like it!

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Old 02-21-2007, 02:47 AM
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haha...yeah, thanks!

this has been a particularly hard one the write...and yeah, I wanted to give myself some sort of challenge, I didn't want to make it just a rhyme poem :]

it doesn't flow THAT well yet, but I'm hoping i can find more "A" words soon :]



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