Anonymous Encounter

Libralight

OK, here goes:

This says: tears/release/explosion -- I/cradle/crystal – well/smothered -- I/fiddle,giggle,waving/hand -- (I’m)/spewing/ideals -- (I’m)/ inscribing/tombstone
legs/are curled -- heels/ -- head/clouded

So what you’ve got is a bunch of partial sentences that want to say:

My head is full of chaotic emotions
tears no longer act as a release
I hold a wineglass
A wild sparkle fills my eyes
A crazy stricture in my throat is covered by a fake calm
I play with the glass and giggle at awful things
nonchalantly waving off idealism
spewing ideals interchangeably with nonsense.
I’m anticipating my way to the grave
am (essentially) fiddling while Rome burns
my head clouded with confusion, depression and delight.


First issue: If this needs to be rearranged to complete each thought, I’d do that.
Second issue: If you can possibly show feelings rather than tell them, I’d do that too.
Third issue: Where is this going? It’s the same at the beginning as the end—nothing’s been solved, no change has occurred – the statement has just been made several ways.
Maybe the speaker enjoys the chaos and doesn’t want to change it. Maybe the speaker could do some “if only” to help solve the problem. Maybe it’s the calamity of life that there is no change possible.

The poetry is in the feel of the emotion.

My head bursts with chaos
tears, once such a release, have dried up and gone
I’m left with my wine
its color reflected in my eyes.

But you could get more sound beauty with repetition.:

Where am I splattered? Please find me,
bring back the cleansing tears, I plead.
But only peace in burgundy
Reflects through crystal's eternity


The biggest problem with this poem is it reads like a bunch of thoughts sort of strung together. Each one has a well-described idea, but I only think "the poor baby who is going through this" when I read it instead of "Isn't that beautiful?"

I hope you don't think I've mashed this poem into the concrete. I've just sort of hit it with a blender with the thought in mind to rearrange and drag some emotion out.

Libralight

OK, here goes:

This says: tears/release/explosion -- I/cradle/crystal – well/smothered -- I/fiddle,giggle,waving/hand -- (I’m)/spewing/ideals -- (I’m)/ inscribing/tombstone
legs/are curled -- heels/ -- head/clouded

So what you’ve got is a bunch of partial sentences that want to say:

My head is full of chaotic emotions
tears no longer act as a release
I hold a wineglass
A wild sparkle fills my eyes
A crazy stricture in my throat is covered by a fake calm
I play with the glass and giggle at awful things
nonchalantly waving off idealism
spewing ideals interchangeably with nonsense.
I’m anticipating my way to the grave
am (essentially) fiddling while Rome burns
my head clouded with confusion, depression and delight.


First issue: If this needs to be rearranged to complete each thought, I’d do that.
Second issue: If you can possibly show feelings rather than tell them, I’d do that too.
Third issue: Where is this going? It’s the same at the beginning as the end—nothing’s been solved, no change has occurred – the statement has just been made several ways.
Maybe the speaker enjoys the chaos and doesn’t want to change it. Maybe the speaker could do some “if only” to help solve the problem. Maybe it’s the calamity of life that there is no change possible.

The poetry is in the feel of the emotion.

My head bursts with chaos
tears, once such a release, have dried up and gone
I’m left with my wine
its color reflected in my eyes.

But you could get more sound beauty with repetition.:

Where am I splattered? Please find me,
bring back the cleansing tears, I plead.
But only peace in burgundy
Reflects through crystal's eternity


The biggest problem with this poem is it reads like a bunch of thoughts sort of strung together. Each one has a well-described idea, but I only think "the poor baby who is going through this" when I read it instead of "Isn't that beautiful?"

I hope you don't think I've mashed this poem into the concrete. I've just sort of hit it with a blender with the thought in mind to rearrange and drag some emotion out.
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I seem to have managed to get this posted twice. Maybe some kind moderator will come erase one of them? Please?
L

Anonymous Encounter

i like the points you have made. i wrote this a long time ago after a very emotional time and looking at it now liked the idea but not the poem itself. i think you're right about there being no real conclusion or happening, i'm going to start on the revisions. idk if i'll post them up but i appreciate you helping me with this, it was begging for revision. thank you

butchiesmom

Thea, how many glasses of wine did you have when you wrote this, lol? Seems to me you aren't feeling a lot of pain in this one. The entire poem, libralight is right, is chaotic and she does give some great advice.

The first line hints at something, like though your wine glass is brimming with emotion something else is happening in the background which makes the first sentence trivial. (does that make sense?)

I think there's missing words, words which shouldn't be there and absent punctuation (something I'm not the best at) which would focus the images and emotion you're trying to convey.

This line...A manic sparkle the glisten in my eye...makes my point. The bolded word in the sentence either is a typo, a word which shouldn't be there, or a word which was left over from a previous revision (something which I've been guilty of in the past). It, drastically, changes the image you're trying to convey.

A manic sparkle glistens (ed) in my eye (Just taking out the previously bolded word and adding an s or ed to glisten brings up quite a vivid image and conveys a strong emotion. (suggestion only, lol)


The poem is filled with 'confused depression and delight,' but a serious revision would give it clarity and bring out the emotions I can vaguely feel right now.

I think the line I used for an example is my favorite line and one which really stood out for me.

hugs,
Gail

Anonymous Encounter

your both very correct. i have been contemplating whether this really is worth the revision though. i like that line as well but i don't think this poem has that much merit, and i would almost have to start at base level all over again. thank you very much for the review (both of you) but i'm not sure i believe in the poem any longer. i appreciate it, if i knew how to delte a thread i would lol.

Libralight

Thea: We could always workshop it if you want to. That's where you say what you want it to say then start and wait for people to come up with ideas. It could be here for years! But it might be fun! Or, you could put it under the bed where I have a stack gathering dust. Ummm. Fire hazard?

L

Anonymous Encounter

lol i think i'll just put this one under the bed as you say. thank you though, and i have never heard of 'workshop' but then it wouldn't feel like my original writing. wonderful suggestions though