butchiesmom

A sensuous poem which invokes quite an image, I really enjoyed it. I was just reading and enjoying until I came to this line: Its caress into my flesh, when it brought me to an abrupt halt because until then the meter had been smooth enough I hadn't paid attention to it, lol, I was just enjoying it, lol. So I went back to the first line and read it out loud. I discovered the meter, up to the above mentioned line, is smooth. After that, it's more uneven, halting. As I write this, I wonder if that was your intention. hmm.

I just looked at the poem again, noticed that the lines form a picture of a vase and thought that was cool! I love that part, especially if it was intentional.

Anyway, I don't write a lot of poetry anymore, so I'm no expert on it and won't pretend to be. I can say what I liked about it though. I think what I like the most about it is the images invoked by it, the feelings radiating from each line.

The following are suggestions...I hope you take them as just that...suggestions. You can ignore them or use them.

Though a spell check program does a great job of taking care of errors (I have Word configured to constantly check for spelling and grammar errors as I write), still it won't catch a word which is spelled correctly but is still wrong, such as angels which should've been angel's. Some day they'll come up with a program which will catch those little nits. (I'll be first in line for it, lol.)

With this line:...Lips a poisons drug of ruin,...you had poisons but I think poisonous might work better.

Like I said above, I don't write a lot of poetry but do admire it. I really liked this poem and know that MsJaquii will give you some really great advice for it.

hugs,
Gail

Anonymous Encounter

hey i really appreciate your review of this poem, it seems to be a favorite
i did not acutally shape the poem like that on purpose so i find your comment very interesting.
the ryhme scheme being so strange is partially natural. i love playing with schemes, switching patterns i think it makes a poem interesting.
thanks again lol i can always count on you to find spelling errors.
on word (that is how i spell check i copy and paste from word) 'poisonous' wasn't considered a word. it said i had to change it.
thanks for everything, i always enjoy what you have to say

Libralight

Ok, I have carried this off to Word so I could do a good critique on it. I am assuming you are looking for a real response to this poem, and I feel pretty competent to do it justice.

The fact is, it’s a mess as it reads now. I think you’ve concentrated more on words that rhyme than words that make sense and also forward the story of the poem. The first two lines don’t make any sense because there is no subject, predicate and object.
Line three starts to make sense, but there again, I see no sentence structure of any kind.
I think you should write down what you want to say and the points you want to make before you start a rewrite, so you can have a direction with each line.

I have some suggestions that you might want to work with in a rewrite:

My tears flood my soul and voice
as I struggle with choice.
A succubus in angel form,
tells beautiful lies and disarms my scorn,

Heated lips with their luring caress
Slip the straps of my emotional dress

False notes sing from an ardent kiss
as she wraps my heart in gossamer bliss,
cooing softly, spinning her web of deceit
showing no mercy, no door for retreat.

Even as I fall and my heart breaks
it’s replaced by some cousin of hate
that reviles itself for the twist of fate
that ensnares me to a pathetic state

Good luck with this..

L

Anonymous Encounter

thank you, libralight, for the read and what you assumed to be constructive critisism. with all due respect, if i did not enjoy one of your piece i would first off not be quite so rude with one of my first critiquing statements. The fact is, it’s a mess as it reads now.


now, i am always open to opinion on my poetry and of course everyone does not agree, for what is the written word but opinion and individual creativity? so i shall not defend but explain my reasoning. if you still do not agree than that is fine. i would like to improve this yes, but replacing my words with your own and, simply put, ruining the creative image i had was not helpful. of course if you thought i could have used a couple of words differantly or changed my format that is perfectly acceptable. but you stole the essance of my poem.

the first two lines in fact do mean somthing, whether you can see it or not because you are breaking down the gramatical structure is up to you.

My demons unsheathed while attempting to conceive my doubts and fears are surfacing and i'm struggling to discover...
Of the excuse for my queen, my lover to be why the love of my life would do such a thing.

of course everyone interprets differantly but this was my personal meaning.

yes, i do write with rhyming importantly in mind, but that is not my soul purpose of a poem. every word i use, whether it is the common definition of the word or seems oddly placed in in fact there for a very specific reason.

i understand that you were in all good graces attempting to help but perhaps instead of saying...

Good luck with this.. you could perhaps be a bit more encouraging and less condescending. thank you for taking the time to read and give me your input. i hope i did not offend.

-T

Libralight

"i don't care about spelling, i just want some critique please "

Please excuse my insulting you, as that was not my intention. Since your poem was in the Critique Saloon, I assumed it was here to be critiqued. If it had been in the regular forum area, I would not have critiqued it.
It won't happen again.
L

Anonymous Encounter

i enjoy constructive critisism that is what this part of the forum is for. i'm sorry but i didn't feel your comment was contructive. thank you for trying to help me, if you had just worded things differantly i would have been more than happy to accept your opinion. my only concern was your manner of giving the critisism. if you would like to comment further on any of my writings i would love it. there is just a proper tone to use, especially with somthing so delicate as the personal writing of ones emotions. thank you though, i hope we do not butt heads any further in this forum, i would rather like to get along

SarahNSH

Thea, I'm surprised to come across a poem of yours that I haven't reviewed yet! So, I just had to give this a read and then give it a review too. I am trying to come up with some good constructive criticism so I may come back to see if I have anything to suggest for you since it's getting late and I've found out I don't review as strongly when I get tired and it gets later at night, lol.

Anywho, in my opinion this poem shows another one of your strong poetic voice and unique form that you have with your poems. I don't believe that a poem has to have a subject, object, ect. and be a sentence... I've read some published poetry that doesn't have a clear cut object, ect. and I try to remove extra words if I can because I like bringing a poem to its pure essence for the reader to take in. To not have to swim through extra words to get to the real imagery of it, ect, but, of course, this is just my take on it and I've noticed my poetry and the way I potray it changes with me. I write very differently now than when I first started writing poems and I seem to change my style especially lately with each one that I create.

Well, with that said I was reading through your poem and did notice an awkward area where I kind of skipped a bit and reread:

The beauty with lies to disarm my scorn-

And I had to reread that line to understand what exactly was hanging me up. I think that it may be the part that I underlined which I feel like I'm skipping with reading and maybe it's the with that makes it feel a little awkward to me. Of course, this is just my opinion but the other lines read quite smoothly to me but as I was reading through this did stick out for me.

Anywho, I can't find any other parts to point out but I hope you find this review helpful and I do enjoy reading your and coming across your work. I really like how you say in the end that instead of wiping the slate clean that you break it... almost like you are completing destroying that part that is to be wiped down and starting anew even more completely than if you just wiped it away. Overall I enjoyed this and thank you for sharing!

Libralight

I have been writing poetry for 17 years, and my poems do not come from my womb as if they were my children. Their words are to be pushed about, dismissed, poked and prodded into place where they best work for the poem. My particular love is for metrical, rhyming poems full of metaphor and personification. I came to JPiC to learn a little more about what some of my poems need in order to be perfected. I came to the Critique Saloon in order to accomplish this, and spent two hours critiquing your poem and one other. I did not know that I was only allowed to exclaim about how wonderful the poems are, or even to find only the good parts and discuss those.

Your poem is not holy. Nor is mine or anybody else’s. It is not the only child of the earth. It does not have freedom of choice, need its diaper changed or to be fed at 10:00.
It needs for its mother to decide what’s best for it. If you’re happy with it, then why did you put it in Critique Saloon?

I know that I am cavalier with the way I talk, write, think. I would never point out problems about a child because it would serve no purpose. A child cannot be changed physically and most times they will grow out of their problems. If not, everybody has to learn to make the most of their issues. But I would tell you that a poem was standing on three legs when it needed four. I would tell you the rhyme doesn’t rhyme and suggest a closer word. I would tell you it was too long and redundant and suggest where it could be cut without damaging the story of the poem. I would also tell you where it was unique and where it sings. I would tell you I’ll always remember certain lines, stanzas.

I don’t think the people frequenting this whole forum are interested in critiques or in reading anything out of their comfort zone. I don’t think anybody wants to learn how to write poetry better. I have removed the poems I had in another area and will not be submitting any more in Critique Saloon, because that is not what I came here for.

I apologize again for having upset you and insulted your poem. I can only say again that it was never my intent. I am not a mean person, I am a serious critiquer.