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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
i don't care about spelling, i just want some critique please

Dishonored Temple
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Old 05-26-2008, 01:30 PM
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Dishonored Temple
Dishonored Temple

My demon's unsheathed while attempting to conceive
Of the excuse for my queen, my love to be
These tears flooding my soul and voice
As I struggle with myself and this difficult choice.
The succubus in an angels form
The beauty with lies to disarm my scorn
Eyes radiating false sincerity
Enveloping my heart in a screeching harmony.
Lips a poisons drug of ruin
A delicate touch imbuing
Its caress into my flesh
Slipping off the straps of my emotional dress
Gazing at me nude with false love in her kiss
Slipping the restraints around each of my wrists
Cooing softly a web of deceit
Stealing me from my fearful retreat.
My heart delicately breaks
Unleashing a painful hate
Towards my own self and my romantic fate
Halting my attempt to wipe it clean by breaking the slate.




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Last edited by Anonymous Encounter; 05-26-2008 at 04:06 PM. Reason: a lot of spelling issues!
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Old 05-26-2008, 03:03 PM
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I like this write actually - The voice is solid, though the content may be seen as somewhat of self-loathing (if I've read correctly) --- One thing I would point out though and suggest you correct ASAP: SPELLING - there are tons of spelling errors which made it difficult for me to appreciate. Please use spellcheck to correct all the glaring spelling errors. Even the title is misspelled - You mean Dishonored Temple. Correcting the spelling alone will help this write immensely. After you do that then perhaps I can suggest a few things that will make the write publishable

Thanx for sharing! An interesting write no doubt.

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Old 05-26-2008, 04:07 PM
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thanks i'm not that great of a speller i will admit i fixed the errors, so maybe you could possibly critique this a little more? if not thats fine, i don't want to ask too much. i appreciate the comments you made.



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Old 05-28-2008, 06:52 PM
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Hey THEA - I see you corrected the spelling issues - Great start!
I see you also posted in the revisions section - I'll give it a critique a little later
I'm easily distracted and somewhat of a procrastinator ((who am I kidding - I'm a Procrastinator Galore lol)) --- So if I haven't responded in the next few days - please send me a reminder PM

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Old 06-13-2008, 07:32 PM
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You can feel how difficult the choice is by how you described the bond between the two characters, and how the beauty of the other character causes the choice to be even more difficult. You're breaking on the inside while trying to stay held together on the outside..
I'd have to say the last line fits the situation the most. It's an extraordinary piece all together as well.
(This is my first time with this so sorry if it's not what you're looking for)



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Old 06-13-2008, 10:25 PM
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hey thanks for the review, i think you had an unfair advantage knowing what it was about but i appreciate it all the same.



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Old 06-14-2008, 03:27 AM
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I tried to look at it and pretend that I didn't know what it was about, but I know about almost all of them, so maybe next time when you have a new one you can get a different review. No problem =]



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Old 06-14-2008, 04:47 AM
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