violetpearl

this is probably one of the poems i am most proud of, but becausre of this i would like some criticism on it.

violetpearl

anyone, ... any at all?

KingAce

Interesting, my critique would be to break it down some more or dumb it down a bit more....there are a lot of metaphors in it and I love metaphors but I think it would impact more if you just broke a few more lines into more simple things like

"The climax of self-satisfied ivy’s kiss will rupture when the bullets begin.
And beaming behind vision locked in clumps of coal"

This is an excellent part but a lot of the time when we want others to read it, who aren't writers it is easier for them to read something that instead said something along the lines of
"The high point of one's own satisfation through a soothing kiss will cause a sudden eruption. And shedding light behind eye sight held in quantities of darkness" I guess what I'm trying to say is use more small simple words....another thing was the word 'palpitations' That threw me off cuz I had to say it like 4 times to say it right; Oh and there was a spelling error I believe it said 'checks' and I think you meant 'cheeks' in this one "And the checks are twitching like a factory legs dip-"

violetpearl

thank you, for that, ill definetely take some of that on board , and change the spelling error, its just silly me typing too fast

MsJacquiiC

I VIOLET - thanx for sharing this poem - and unlike KINGACE = If I were you I WOULDN'T CHANGE A WORD - this poem is just gorgeous - I see why you'd be proud of it - And perhaps MR ACE need only watch the latest version of some horrid ER Drama copy to realize the word "palpitation..."...

What's kinda ironic actually is that I have the perfect artwork in mind for this poem - I'm gonna attempt to find it... It is a poignant piece...... Some would say disturbing - but I think it so very well compliments the style that you've written with - AND if I'm way off....... Just tell me......

OK - I've found the piece and I've re-read your poem --- the titlte of the artwork is "Anna Banana" --- for obvious reasons actually - Though I think the work personifies "At the end of the high" to an eary perfection...

At anyrate - loved the poem - It really is an AWESOME piece!

The pic below may be disturbing to some - Thus the "Click To Show" button

violetpearl

ms jaquiic, i can definetely see the connection i think you have gott the poem summed,

thank you very much for commenting, all critique is appereciated

KingAce

I apologize if I came off wrong I think the poem is beautiful and the suggestions I made were just suggestions I wasn't saying they had to be changed just some suggestions to change it if yo wanted to.....So yeah just thought I'd clear that up

mcglinnen

The use of dramatic color in your poem offers richness, a depth to your words. Finely crafted poem, I wouldn’t change a word.