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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!

Errant Scalpel
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Old 11-19-2006, 07:16 PM
  post #1
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Errant Scalpel
(severe critiques invited and encouraged)

Delighting in my bliss
I split my personality today
as if to look aside
and find an argument
that I could follow through,
and win.

Alas, my adversary
had outsmarted me
and also sliced himself
in two.
~
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Old 12-05-2006, 07:27 AM
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Totally AWESOME!
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Old 12-06-2006, 03:17 AM
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ALAN the JPiCan of Grumps Royalty

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Biography: Father of five, Grumps to two, I've been writing poetry since '93, and also love helping other poets
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Dear Dean,

What fun. Let's all write stuff that exposes psych-babble for what it is.

Only Q I have is, should the "had" in S2 be "has" ? I can't quite work it out.

Love
Alan



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Old 12-06-2006, 01:45 PM
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Thanks to Alan
Could be either way, I guess.
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Old 12-07-2006, 10:36 AM
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WEll, my critque of this is, if you are trying to play with words to create chaos, in my opion, you just did. If it was done intentionally, you did a great job, for that's what I see. But for the reader, it's not something for me anyway, to get anything out of. Perhaps you had some kind of deep meaning here, and if so, I would suggest, using just one line, to lead the reader to it, then leave the rest of the rambling.
hope that helps,
Barbarea
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Old 12-07-2006, 01:52 PM
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thank you
Thanks, Barbarea. If it hits most readers that way, you are probably right.
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