blackandbluelover

I once knew a girl with a broken past
She'd tell you this is based on me
But she's a liar.
I'll tell you her story,
Though I guess you know how it goes by now.

Girl gets plastered to hide her doubt
Boy finds confidence to make her smile.
Within the week the whirlwind romance begins,
He thinks it will last forever
She knows too much to believe it's true.

Each time they part comes far too soon
And he'll turn while he's walking away
To catch her eyes following his footsteps.
They fall into routine as young couples do
And go through the stages that he whispered.

Arguments start as if they were planned
And the tension washes their kisses.
It's a basic pattern of shouting and sobbing
Until the day he clenches a fist
And they are both silenced and blankly stare.

A broken week falls through their fingers
Until he comes back, and cries his apology.
Foolishly the girl embraces him,
Without fear of the future he's leading her to
Without thinking of the secret she's hiding.

She's cautious yet he's so secure
And he begins to gain control.
He'll shout and she'll cry
He'll attack and she'll cower.
Protected, she believes, by the pretence of love.

A vodka and lime soaked night drenched her
And he forced her down and silenced her mouth.
She tells herself she's blacked out
As he claws at her to stop a scream
And breaks her spirit.

She'll suffer many sleepless nights
And a bruised collar bone too stiff to lift.
He'll act like there's nothing out of place
And jokes with his friends about her clumsiness.
She wishes she could tell them.

Ten months have gone and she starts a dirty habit
A cloud of smoke to hide behind
When he loses his head.
A few weeks until breaking point
And she knows not how to be without him.

She'll cross her fingers and hope for the best
He'll uncross her legs to take what he can get.

The last day he finds her choking herself
And smiles, voice filled with vulgarity, telling her
Lung cancer is the last thing he wants
Dripping from her lips.
She draws smoke back again in defiance.

His hand is raised for the final time
And struck her cheek, swiping her cigarette.
She just stared
And exhaled.
The only thing she could remember to do.

He gives up on the empty shell of a girl,
Turns and walks away.
She watches him walk and walk,
Waiting for his head to turn to meet her gaze
But it never did.

Even now, I think she wonders
What he would have seen if he had peeked.



*I really want this to be a successful poem, but it's a lot longer than anything I've written before. This is the first poem I've submitted to The Critique Saloon, and its a sensitive topic, so please be careful. Thank you.*

butchiesmom

There's many things I want to say about this but the first and foremost is how realistic it is. Whether it's based on your own experience or that of a close friend, it's so close it's scary! For me, it was more sexual and verbal abuse than physical but it took so long for those wounds to heal!

I want to go back over it because I saw several places where it could be tightened a bit. I don't have the time at the moment but wanted to let you know how great this poem is!
hugs,
Gail

blackandbluelover

Thank you very much. I'm very sorry to hear you've shared similar experiences. I hope you can find the time to revisit and help me with it x

zaac

I dont think you should worry about it being successful. That out of the way, this is more of a story poem to me and I'm normally not a story poem guy. But the length is countered by your being able to draw someone into the piece from a very sad and peculiar slant and thats why i think its not too long and its successful.

zaac

butchiesmom

I couldn't get this poem out of my mind and had to come back and look at it again. This is a fantastic story of what happens in a relationship like this. I can't say enough of how realistic it is! You did a fantastic job!

This is a powerful image and so telling! She crosses her fingers...He'll uncross her legs... I love it! It shows the power he has over her and how much she has given up.

Until you've been in this situation of dependency and enablement, you have no idea what it's like and how much power one holds over the other or how much power one gives up to keep what that person thinks he/she needs! The fact that you used almost the same scenario to end it as you do to begin it makes the image more powerful. At the beginning, when he's walking away, it's love which makes him look back to see her gazing at him. At the end, it's dependence which has her gazing and wishing he would look back but he's not looking back at the shell of the woman he once knew.

All in all, I found the spelling and the grammar fine, but found a couple of spots you might want to check. I've bolded the changes.

She tells herself she's blacked out
As he claws at her to stop a scream
And breaks her spirit.

And jokes with his friends about her clumsiness.

hugs,
Gail