mbironneau

I know that I've already posted this poem in a different forum, but that was before I found out about the critique saloon. Sorry about that.

This is one of my first poems (the third, to be exact). I'm pretty happy with it, except for the last stanza, which doesn't seem to flow too well.


The First Dawn of Spring

The golden chariot of Helios is risen
From depths forgot' by the slits of the earth;
Cajoles the greens 'till frost recedes,
Brings mirth to drowsy meads.

Grass grown pale and flow'rs in mourning
Coldly salute the warm, transcending gleam;
Leaves bristling, rustling in fresh air,
Awaken the wood from the last nights' despair.

A cockerel cries to life and death, alike;
The Easterly winds softly rattle the burgeons
Of oaks and pines, and rows of vines,
Freed from last ice by the heavens' shine.

Numbèd corpses of creatures' souls
Then chain'd by slumber to fragile nests,
Slowly crawl to affairs the morrow brought;
A final day of agony in a war long fought.


Michael Bironneau

Sally Roberts

Hey Michael:

I read your poem several times. I must say it is really good. But might I make a smalll suggestion to make the poem flow more smooth when reading it?
Without changing any of the words and only just the position they are in, try reading it this way.

The golden chariot of Helios is risen
Cajaloes the greens 'till frost recedes,
From depths forgot by slits of the earth
Brings mirth to drowsy meads.

Grass grown pale and flow'rs in mourning
Leaves bristling, rustling in fresh air,
Coldly statue the warm transcending gleaming.
Awaken the wood from the last night's despair.



See what I mean? Just switch the second and third lines. What do you think? Your poem is very good. I like it.

mbironneau

Hi Sally,
Thanks a lot for the feedback. I hadn't thought of switching the second and third lines, but come to think of it, you're right, it does seem to make the poem flow smoother, especially in the first stanza. I'm not too sure why, though...I suppose that'll just be another poetic mystery.
Thanks again,
Michael.

PaintedDiary

Ooohhhhh Michael,
This was something to behold. You are an amazing poetic puzzleist (yes, I made that up, lol). The imagery that radiated was contagious. I had to read multiple times. I am certainly going to watch out for your poetry!! Oh, and yes, the suggestion from Ms Roberts was on point!!!! Bravo Poet!! Take Care.

Painted Diary aka Kimberly

mbironneau

Thanks a lot for the encouragement, Kim. Yes, you and Ms. Roberts are right about switching the lines. I hadn't thought of it, but it does work.

Michael

alanmdouglas

Dear M,

Ihave not looked at other replies/crits, so this is virgin thought. I'll mark with a * where I suggest an alt, or word changes in CAPS. Do know that anything I offer is for you to adopt, adapt, or chuck.

The golden chariot of Helios is risen
From depths forgot' by the slits of the earth;
IT cajoles the greens 'till frost recedes, - til is simpler than 'till, as IS a word
Brings mirth to drowsy meads.

Grass grown pale and flowErs in mourning - the apost does nothing !
Coldly salute the warm, transcending gleam;
Leaves bristling, rustling in fresh air,
Awaken the wood from the last nights'* despair. * the is sing, so "last night's" is where the apost goes

A cockerel cries to life and death* alike; * no comma
The Easterly winds softly rattle the burgeons
Of oaks and pines, and rows of vines,
Freed from last ice by the heavens' shine.

Numbèd corpses of creatures' souls - drop the grave e as well
Then chainEd by slumber to fragile nests, - again, the apost adds nothing
Slowly crawl to affairs the morrow brought;
A final day of agony in a war long fought.

M, a very earnest piece, and if this was only your 3rd, pretty good !

I think you are saying that life is a struggle hardly worth bothering with ? If I have read this right, then I di not agree, lol.

Love
Alan

mbironneau

Hi Alan,
Sorry I took so long to get back to you. Thanks a lot for your really detailed feedback (and for teaching me that "til" was actually a word lol). You're right, I went very much over the top with the apostrophes.
Actually, I hoped the piece would sound more hopeful than absurdist (i.e. a ray of light after months of darkness), but then again I may have overdone the negative imagery...definitely something I'll keep in mind for next time.
Thanks again,
Michael.