solo

FOR CRITIQUE:Any criticism/advice welcome....personally I think there is something wrong with the flow, and in trying to fit words into a sonnet format I think my language got clumsy in places.....Help?

erikestabrook

I enjoyed this and just so you know it doesn't suck,
hopefully soemone will help you with this,
I think one point it seems you focused more on end rhyme then overall cohesion,
so its still good, but rhytm is important

solo

Aah rhythm....not my forte...Erik thanx for your input...it's much appreciated...

Mysty

I like this and find the rhythm is fine ........ my only nit is the first line....... If they are reaching ...... of course it is up... so I tried to see what other way it could be done.

Here are a few suggestions:

Their fecund heads reach o'er in the skies

Their fertile heads are reaching to the skies

The fruitful bloom's faces reach for the skies.

I know fecund means fruitful and fertile..... but honestly speaking..... fecund is too close to fecal matter for me to think it is a pleasant smelling bloom. Anyways ..... the first line is a little redundant with "reach up towards the skies" , I mean if they are reaching up ..... then of course they are going skyward. Just some thoughts and ideas you can use or lose Solo.


Mysty

PS...... Job WELL done though you do have something very good here.

Terence

Hi Robynne,

I like this poem, it does have a sensual depth to it. My only other problem line, apart from L1, is
'proffer firm buds beneath my fingertips...'

It starts with a spondee, not an iamb, as the stress is definitely on 'proff' not 'er'. Alternatives, though not with the same weight of meaning, are 'offer', 'extend', 'present', and maybe 'tender'.
But just changing that word isn't sufficient because 'firm' and 'buds' are both hard words and therefore stressed.
I'm no expert but IMO the flow would be improved if that line was completely revised somehow.

Terence

Intricate soul

I'm no authority here, but its good. If you are looking at adjusting it I would look at line construction. You start off with longer lines and more lines in the verse then you cone down in length and body. Try not seperating the verses and/or compressing or lengthening the lines a little to standardize them a bit. remember my first statement, but play with how you arange it, it may help.... still beautiful though

butchiesmom

Anyone have a cigarette? Holy smokes! I could feel the desire building with each line!
I had to look up fecund, lol.

As far as rhythm goes I found nothing wrong with it. As far as sonnets, have no idea don't care. The intensity of the imagery builds with each line. Each line flows smoothly forwarding your message easily.

Great job, Solo!
Gail

solo

Ok....I did think I had two problems....the one is the rhythm...:
if you read a line like 1:"My hands caress their robust forms with zest::

and then a line like2:"Lost in an aromatic reverie"

They have the same number of syllables, but line two reads more compactly than line one...I therefore DID think the rhythm was wonky...

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The second problem I thought I had was the first line!!!!....I struggled with it...lol....I wrote the end first...geuss it still shows!!!!....

You're right!....flowers would necessarily reach upwards...I was thinking in human terms...thanx for pointing that out!

I like your first suggestion: "Their fecund heads reach o'er in the skies"

Thank-you for your input!

solo