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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
i don't knowhow people will feel about this but hopefully i'm not judged. its just a piece of work.

Foiled Attempt
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Old 05-10-2008, 12:17 PM
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Foiled Attempt

i take the lips roughly that spew philosophy
i do not care if you question my atrocity
i desperatly flick my tongue in your mouth
if only to quiet the panic causing verbal pout.
my head is dizzy-your scent; my pain
the earth frozen; droplets; sizzling rain
my flesh is heated my eyes scream
you test your fingers; tease on my jean-seems.
racing thoughts transcend to tears
the downpour medling to disguise my fears
your curves meld against my own
to discourage this agony infested moan.
hair pasted to skulls
pawing palms; clothing unfolds
nude virgin flesh touching in the cold
your innocence caressing my defilment so old.
my shoulders shake with sobs
disguised by shiver attacking mobs
pressed against the silver metal sleek
lifted onto the hood; ground losing feet
despair melted as fire uncoils
escape achieved; suicide attempt foiled.



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Old 05-12-2008, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous Encounter View Post
i take the lips roughly that spew philosophy
i do not care if you question my atrocity
i desperately flick my tongue in your mouth
if only to quiet the panic causing verbal pout.
my head is dizzy-your scent; my pain
the earth frozen; droplets; sizzling rain
my flesh is heated my eyes scream
you test your fingers; tease on my jean-seems.
racing thoughts transcend to tears
the downpour medling to disguise my fears
your curves meld against my own
to discourage this agony infested moan.
hair pasted to skulls
pawing palms; clothing unfolds
nude virgin flesh touching in the cold
your innocence caressing my defilement so old.
my shoulders shake with sobs
disguised by shiver attacking mobs
pressed against the silver metal sleek
lifted onto the hood; ground losing feet
despair melted as fire uncoils
escape achieved; suicide attempt foiled.
This reads, at first, almost like a rape. At least it does to me, lol. Then it seems to melt into a desperate love scene in the rain, or a continuation of the rape. The one line: ...racing thoughts transcend to tears... brought me back to the first part of my breakdown, and is a hint of what's to come. It's then the rape seems more of an attack on the mind than the body.

It's a bit hard for me to understand, perhaps I need a nap to clear my mind, but I'm not sure I understand it all. ...silver metal sleek/lifted onto the hood;... when I read this, it took me to the hood of a car.

...ground losing feet... I'm not sure what this means.

...despair melted as fire uncoils/escape achieved; suicide attempt foiled.... it's here where the rest of the poem unfolds for me, but my brow still crinkles with concentration.

A dark poem from start to finish, Thea, I'm hoping you'll explain it a bit for me.

Some of the bolded words such as: desperately and defilement were misspelled and fixed. The other bolded words, I'm not sure whether they're typos or just wrong words, so I wasn't sure what to do with them. Since one word can change the meaning of a whole line or even a poem, I waited to see what you want to do with them.
Gail



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