The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only! I'll title them later
Haiku series
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dead, leaf-less, grand trees
scarecrows dwarfing the lamp posts
return to bloom Spring
Frozen Love
a shower of snow
recants the frozen smile
prismatical you
Rain and Sun
rain clouds fill up, dewy
letting down fits of soft tears
joy peeks up, sun
Familiar scent
perfect blossoming
not a rose or wish
but my lily's scent
Time Couch
sound waves weaving through
defining shadowy shapes
sonorous couch time
Flower Queen
a spectoral bloom
applause held for the queen
of bells and bulbs
Dig your own Garden
sinking below ground
I'm scooping handfuls of dirt
pushing up daisies
Last edited by erikestabrook; 02-23-2008 at 03:09 PM.
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1) Try avoiding the "little words" like: a, the, of, but, for etc. wherever possible. It isn't always possible to avoid some of them (like in: queen of bells and bulbs) but most times they can be omitted. "a prism of you" for example, could be "prismatical you", thus avoiding the "a" and "of".
By omitting these little words you create syllable space for more descriptive words and unique description is really what haiku is all about.
Also avoid words like "their". Haiku #1, last line. Try something like: "petals scatter free" or use a descriptive word in place of "their".
2) Watch your syllable counts. Although both haiku and senryu do not necessarily have to have a 5-7-5 count, they are most often written that way so as to promote a good rhythm and flow to the whole thought being expressed. Your 4-8-4 count on #6 isn't bad but look at it with a few changes to make it 5-7-5:
sound waves weaving through
defining shadowy shapes
sonorous couch time
3) The last line (called the satori line) should be a summation of the first two descriptive lines. Satori actually means "a sudden enlightenment". You have a perfect example of this in haiku #8 (although I think that may be more of a senryu than a haiku - anything describing or dealing with humans is senryu).
4) Presentation: haiku, senryu, miku or any short poem begs to be center aligned! Poetry is a visual art too!
Hope this has been of some help and not too harsh. You've got some good thoughts happening here and they deserve to shine, so read them over and put some polish on them!
- Tree.
Nikos Tselepides has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
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A few general comments first:
1. Haikus do not always have to be exact in syllable count, esp. if the poem is strong enough to make that look secondary. Some variation in sumber of syllables is allowed.
2. They usually do not have titles--the majority at least.
3. Haikus are based on an opposite idea to the main body, suddenly expressed, and often unexpectedly: they spring a surprise on the reader. Here is a famous haiku by Pulizer-prize winner Gary Snyder:
After weeks of watching
the roof leak, I fixed it tonight
by moving a single tile.
The opposition is there: weeks-single/long time -- a second only.
Some of the haikus here do not have any opposition at all:Familiar Scent, Time Couch, Flower Queen (there may be others too). Altree calls this opposition the "satori" and he means the same thing. Literary critics have called it with various terms over the past 60 years or more, each using words of his own taste.
4. Altree is right in saying one must avoid small words--they usually have no content of their own and flatten a poem or line. The line
of bells and bulbs
is a good example. A verb would make miracles here.
5. My previous point brings me to another important aspect: the verb. Verbs are the moving power in haikus and have to be well-placed, and, if possible, in the simple present tense, which is the strongest tense. The writer could count how many of the verbs are strong and how many are weak here.
6. Clarity. That comes from using words all understand. A Chinese master had once said "you must not write anything that your cleaning lady would not understand", meaning we are to use simple, clear language.
In my view, the words "spectoral" , "recants" and "prismatical" bring in problems. Two of them need a dictionary, and the third one--recants--sounds flat and belonging to a pharmaceutical laboratory. Prismatical derives from the Greek, means "many-sided", and even though I am Greek and fluent in Ancient Greek also, I am having a hard time trying to make it work for me in the poem. (I do suspect that these words were used with the best of intentions, and out of inspiration to use a "refined" word in the poem which the poet could not resist. When this happens, best policy is to write it, let it sit for a few days, and go back to reread and make corrections. Most flaws become evident after a day or two of waiting before finalizing.)
7. Correctness of form, syntax, grammar: :lily's" and not "lilys". Of self-evident importance in any piece of writing, whatever the genre, poem or prose, haiku or whatever. We all understand such mistakes, some come from haste, and we all make them from time to time. But they cause wastage and often deflate a poem or line.
All that said, I enjoyed reading these and on the whole I find them remarkable and a good group of short haikus. I enjoyed them and thanks immensely.
Nick
Last edited by Nikos Tselepides; 02-23-2008 at 01:25 PM.
Reason: clarity
Biography: I have my own website now erikestabrook.com, I hope you'll meet me there as well
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thanks Nick you know allot about haikus, I submitted these to FrogPond,
I agree with what your saying, large words in a haiku make one think, overdone
afterall a flower in nature is a flower, to call it an hybiscus tansanie just for example I don't actually know what that is but thats something only a scientist would appreciate
and certainly a cleaning lady wouldn't understand,
thanks for your help Nick, I'll see how the submission turns out I'm thionking it might've been too soon, but if its rejected I'll revise it even more or just make better new ones
These are really great!!!! I quite enjoyed these two especially
