shayshay741

I need to do a project of poems based on romeo and juliet, 8 pages total. Here is one about death. I dont really like them all, except the last one. Give some critiques/help to make them better? Thanks :]




The facts
Face without color
Veins useless without blood flow
A hollow and empty shell

Mourn someone gone, waste your tears
Ears unhearing sobs
Eyes shut unseeing mourners
Crying over death

How can I join you if I don’t know where you are?
Where could you be now?
I look at your empty form
I wish to join you.

Take a chance and find your dead love
Dagger, plunge my heart.
Death, cloak my mind in darkness
Soul, fly to my love

Mysty

First thing to mention is Haiku and Senryu do not have titles .... at least not in the past, but new rules are being made and broken everyday. I rather like titles on mine too.
Now to critique .... What you have here are Senryu ........not Haiku. Haiku is about Nature... Senryu are similar to Haiku in that they use the 5-7- 5 format but Senryu are about emotions and feelings.

this one :

The facts
Face without color
Veins useless without blood flow
A hollow and empty shell


How about
The Facts

Colorless faces
bloodless veins, deflated space
hollow, empty shells


Mourn someone gone, waste your tears

Ears unhearing sobs
Eyes shut unseeing mourners
Crying over death


Mourn someone gone, waste your tears

ears deaf, sobs silent
eyes blind, mourners go unseen
tears loosed over death


These are just a couple of ideas Shayshay..
Can you try rewriting the others with similar ideas?