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    JPiC Portal » Main Forum Index » Poetic Colours » The Critique Saloon

The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
Just looking for some input

Hey Old Man
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Old 07-16-2008, 10:08 PM
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Hey Old Man
Tick, tock
Why must we all watch the clock
Its gonna run
And doesn't care about your vanity
Or even your sanity
Age is going to come
No matter how fast we run
There is no flipin over the glass
No free pass
Age
Is the price we pay to be
Wisdom, and love
Should be the prize we seek
Like crutches
For the weak
Your ass is gona get old
So I say , leave it be.......
Live........
Love................
And grow Wise....
To understand
Its quality
Over quantity
Is the prize
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ZonaJewel (07-17-2008)
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Old 07-17-2008, 12:44 AM
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I love the way this speaks wisdom to vanity. The conveyance is as beautiful as the message.
Thank you!
ZJ
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Old 07-17-2008, 01:05 AM
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Thank you Debra I am glad you liked it....
Marc
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Old 07-25-2008, 02:30 PM
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Hmmmm. Input.

The first seven lines are strong, definitely going someplace and saying something good.

There is no flipin over the glass Is this turning over the hourglass? Might be a little archaic for the rest of it.

Age
Is the price we pay to be
Wisdom, and love
Should be the prize we seek
Whoa -- these are wonderful lines.

Like crutches
For the weak
Your ass is gona get old
This sort of drops the ball because it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. (And not because I'm a prude in case you're thinking that!)

The last eight lines sum it up nicely.

L
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