Synchro

Horizons (revised)
(severe critiques always invited and encouraged)

I seem to be a malcontent;
eyes scanning to the East,
beyond the hills,
to where the night beats down,
the past surrenders to the winding earth.
But then the throes of agony,
create the day.

There is, of course, some irony
in gazing back, and hurrying tomorrow--
some parallel to every warrior's pleading
for the coup de grace
to set it all apart.
There is the I-ness, I forever own,
the consciousness we share,
and never dare renounce.

No darkening wisdom, here,
likewise no flashing joy.
There is no spirit reticence,
no fear of time, or death, or loss.
Not for me the sunset of a cross,
the tumbrel ride
back from the guillotine;
it is the East that draws me
through the night,
and may within its grace
requite the day with still another
gracious birth.
~

(original)


I seem to be a malcontent;
my restless eyes scan to the East,
across the plain and then beyond the hills
to where the night beats down,
to where the past surrenders
to the winding earth.
But then the throes of agony,
create the day.

There is some irony
in such a gaze upon the past,
hurrying tomorrow--
some parallel to every warrior's
pleading for the coup de grace
to set it all apart.
There is the I-ness, I forever own,
the consciousness we share,
that I may never dare renounce.

No darkening wisdom, here,
likewise no flashing joy
from the transition.
There is no spirit reticence,
no fear of time, or death,
or loss. Not for me
the sunset of a cross,
the tumbrel ride
back from the guillotine;
it is the East that draws me
through the night,
and may within its grace
requite the day with still another
gracious birth.
~

Zeblon

Hi,

Well I like the piece..It's interesting and mysterious with plenty of vivid imagery and rich language..I think it could be trimmed a little of superfluos stuff to aid flow and mood..and some cosmetic changes for presentation..Here's a few suggestions (title too..he he..)..Take from it what you will..k..here goes..^__^

Synchro

I think you are right that the poem needs some cutting. Now, if I may follow some of your suggestions, and still maintain my own metric flow, I may get closer to what we need.
Thank you! You made a difference, and I'm sure you'll see some revision, although it may take me awhile. Watch for it. :-)

Zeblon

Coolaboola..Erm I didn't notice you had named it Horizons..So forget the title suggestion.. ^__~

Synchro

above the original

lanaia74

Loved it! Totally AWESME!