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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!

I Dont Think You Love Her Anymore
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Old 10-31-2006, 06:31 PM
  post #1
Tooley
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I Dont Think You Love Her Anymore
Oh my friend
Will you ever get a hint?
I think your sitting back
Letting her take you in
If you two really love each other
Wouldn’t you step up for one another?
Or are you going to sit back like the time before
Letting her take you, shake you
Soon my brother, I think she’ll break you
I don’t think you love her anymore

[this is my first poem, it is about my friend who cant get over his ex]
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Old 11-03-2006, 09:42 PM
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Hey Ryan... I find it very nice, I think you have the language and able to portray your feelings and put them into meaningful form but don't you think you are being a bit direct? I'm talking about imagery and symbolism, it feels like it was missing here, what do you think?
But I really like it Ryan!
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Old 11-06-2006, 07:05 PM
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yeah, this was my first poem so i understand it has some errors, and being direct isnt a thing that bothers me, i hate poetry that beats around the bush, people need something to connect to, not something to figure out.
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Old 11-06-2006, 07:10 PM
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^^ but I think that poetry is imagery? and its one of the main elements of literature.
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Old 11-07-2006, 11:35 AM
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Hey TOOLEY & Welcome to the JPiC Community - You posted this poem in the Critique Saloon - so I shall endeavor to critique... In the future you may want to find a section that's a better fit for your work... Especially considering this is your first poem
----------------------

I like the directness of your poem, but for it to be publishable in my opinion - It needs a lot of work... I think this piece could well benefit by using more precise and concise language; meaning - get into the thesaurus my poetic friend...

Oh my friend
of such naive despair
Will you ever get a hint -
sitting on stagnant hands,
your mind twisted up
in co-dependence

I think your sitting back ------> action = You're sitting back...
Letting her take you in
If you two really love each other
Wouldn’t you step up for one another?
Or are you going to sit back like the time before
Letting her take you, shake you
Soon my brother, I think she’ll break you
I don’t think you love her anymore
--------------
--------------

Those ideas are just a few suggestions to make this a publishable poem. Thanx for sharing it with us - I look forward to your 1st revision

Jacquii.



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