bookthief

its' whispered by the wind that blows the leaves,
its' written on the barks of trees,
its' the reason you're skipping like stones,
its' true,you know,you love it so.

and when its' over and the wounds wilt the trees,
and feeling so intense it brings you down to your knees,
its' the reason you're sinking like stones,
we wonder why we love it so.

Mysty

Ok first thing I see right off is ....your apostrophy is in the wrong spot because your it's stands for it is done the way you have it.... its' means its is. Can you see?

Next you can get rid of a few it's by the way. Too many make "it" redundant. A reader does not want their nose rubbed in "It". Also ...... you should be leaving the reader with the ability to know what IT is. To me it is not clear. I think you have a good base to work with though. I mean you can expand and grow this to a really good work.

Another thing .... do we skip like stones?? Stones only skip over water when we make them do so by the way we toss them. So are we skipping over water because we have been tossed? You need to think clearly about the images you are presenting Bookthief. I do think with some work you can find the right voice and make this into something spectacular though.

If you need a little more help or suggestions let me know ... I am only to happy to help out.

Mysty

butchiesmom

I agree with Mysty with the clarity issue. Rachel, would you please explain what 'it' is?
Also, the first line in the second stanza...the wounds wilt the trees...? I can tell you are trying to describe something that's clear in your mind but it's not coming across clearly here. I've bolded some suggestions above.

I'm looking forward to your explanation.

hugs,
Gail

bookthief

eh well the it is in so much because the word love can be subbed in each time.
the line 'the wounds wilt the trees' is reference to an earlier line 'written on the barks of trees' i.e; people carving their names in trees and the 'wounds' that remain kill the trees. its a way of showing how love turns sour. thanks for your help and advice i hope you both understsnd it better!!x x x x
thanks again
rachel x x x x x x