jsbabygirlkck

what is failing
looking so sad
needing a hug
looking past the bullshit
seeing things clearer
being strong
losing the feeling
happiness
lighter shoulders
functioning correctly
feeling so happy
truly learning a lesson

Fug-azi

I like the idea behind this, but it reads almost like a list and doesn't really give any depth to what lesson is learnt .. unless you mean lessons in general.

I think including some punctuation would also help the reader with the flow of this.

mrsmajor

I am assuming that you are describing what was learned from some particular incident.
You do not say exactly what lesson you are learning or why.
The idea is good, but the structure of the piece needs shaping up. in my opinion.

If it is your choice to use no punctuation at all, it might have worked if you used stanzas.

As this piece is now, it appears like a list, without any explanation of anything. I like the idea and I think it could be worked out.

I sincerely would like you to work on this a bit more, why not try to use stanzas, and try some punctuation. see an example below.

What is failing? looking so sad does not help.
I need a hug, to help get past the b------t.
I know I must be strong, to see things clearer.

In using the stanza you give form to the piece, and it becomes a true poem.
Also in counting sylabbles ( I used 11 for each line) you are also making the piece easier to read and it is smoother.

This is just my humble opinion, and I hope you see what I mean. Why not try to write this piece again, taking a bit more time to realize that the reader should be able to understand what you are saying and why. The theme is good, please work on it.

Thanks for allowing me to comment on your piece, and good luck in your writing.

shayshay741

I agree what they say, i do like the ideas behind it. If they get developed a bit more then this could be a good poem.

By following a pattern or form of some sorts, like syllables or stanzas or rhyming , the piece would be smoother and flow better. Right now it does seam like a list.

Keep building on this, and Ill keep an eye out for your revision :]

SarahNSH

I agree with everyone else as well, I do like the idea/concept behind the poem but I'm unsure what is behind this and what you are trying to get past. All which you need to do is polish it up, and I think breaking it into stanzas and expanding on your poem will definitely help with improving it.

A suggestion is to not use two words so closely together such as with: looking so sad
-
looking past the bullshit


I would say to mix it up with using the word "looking" and maybe changing one of the "looking" to another word to describe it. A suggestion for at least the second one would to maybe change it to "moving" but these are just my opinions and completely up to you.