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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
Tis me...A Free Spirit

Like A Phoenix (I Am Painted Diary)
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Old 02-17-2007, 01:56 AM
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Originally Posted by nomadicrhymer View Post
Queen Painted! Fabulous work...this is a masterfully crafted triumphant read...I have to say the "zaac suggestion" was right on point. The poem is that much more satisfying...great write

I think if you will punctuate, though...it shouldn't stand out like the two lines you have done...either go all the way or none.

Nomad
Dear Ms Nomad,

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Yes I did some combining of suggestions, and will post revision #2. Thank you also for pointing out to me about that punctuation!

{{{{~~~***KIM***~~~}}}}



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Old 02-17-2007, 01:59 AM
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Like A Phoenix (I Am Painted Diary)--->Revision #2


I am not afraid
to straighten my spine
shake that monkey
break that chain
royal blood leaves a Crimson stain
and so I rise like a Phoenix

I am Painted Diary
tall as a Cypress
long as the Nile
malleable as Cleopatra's Gold
and so I rise like a Phoenix

Greatness walks with me
mountains applaud my soliloquy
I am Painted Diary and my
heart speaks phonetically
and so I rise like a Phoenix

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
From indigenous ashes I've burned
and will rise again like a Phoenix




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Last edited by PaintedDiary; 02-17-2007 at 04:09 AM. Reason: Spelling error!!
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Old 02-17-2007, 11:43 PM
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I agree. It is a very forcefully crafted poem. Your voice in this poem has a rich strength to it that is refreshing. I am however stuck on one line. If I may…..

I read poems out loud. I love the flow of the words when well crafted as this poem is. But when spoken out loud I get stuck on the last stanza:
“God’s hand breaks me free”. Without seeing the punctuation I don’t know clearly if it’s one God or many Gods using one hand. It’s a very minor detail but I thought I would mention it.
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Old 02-18-2007, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by mcglinnen View Post
I agree. It is a very forcefully crafted poem. Your voice in this poem has a rich strength to it that is refreshing. I am however stuck on one line. If I may…..

I read poems out loud. I love the flow of the words when well crafted as this poem is. But when spoken out loud I get stuck on the last stanza:
“God’s hand breaks me free”. Without seeing the punctuation I don’t know clearly if it’s one God or many Gods using one hand. It’s a very minor detail but I thought I would mention it.

Hi Mcglinnen...nice to see you back !!! Hmmmmmm, you are so right here!! I meant for it to read as one God, using one hand to break me free. I have to investigate my use of correct punctuation!! Wow, thank you so much for pointing that out to me, as you have an extremely keen eye for detail. Thank you soooo much.

Kimberly



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