PaintedDiary

Like A Phoenix (I Am Painted Diary)

I am not afraid
to straighten my spine
shake that monkey
break that chain
royal blood leaves a Crimson stain
and still I shall rise like the Phoenix

I am Painted Diary
tall as a Cypress
long as the Nile
malleable as Cleopatra's Gold
and still I shall rise like the Phoenix

Greatness walks with me
mountains applaud my soliloquy
I am Painted Diary and my
heart speaks phonetically
and still I shall rise like the Phoenix

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
from indigenous ashes I burn
and rose like the Phoenix

MsJacquiiC

KIM................

The suggestion I made earlier, before this piece got ZAPPED (LOL) you've taken. I think the repetitive "and still I shall rise like a Phoenix" is better stated as you've edited: "and still I shall rise like THE Phoenix"

This piece is quite masterfully written, very eloquently scribed in fact. I did notice one thing in the very last stanza:

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
from indigenous ashes I burn
and rose like the Phoenix

I like the "no-punctuation" route you've taken with this piece. But perhaps the last stanza should have punctuation? --- Just an idea - And I'm not even sure about it - but I'll lay it out anyway

Watchful eyes sharply pierce, <------------ comma after "pierce"
God's hand break me free. <------------------ period after "free"
From indigenous ashes I've burned <------- capital "F" in from, "I" to "I've", "burn" to "burned" ---- makes the sentence past tense
and risen like a Phoenix! <------------------ "rose" to "risen", "the" to "a" ending in exclamation point... Not the "a" makes the title lustrious

subtle changes LOL - that can be taken or not taken at all.

Perfectly scribed piece Poet! Very eloquently written and beautiful sentiments! = Gotta love the "essense" of the Phoenix

Very nice share!
Thanx

Jacquii.

zaac

i disagree strongly with the and still i...

first each statement made is a positive...to say "still" would imply that you are rising in spite of the statements you made prior to it or that those things you said were negative and you were rising in spite of those things. this doesnt make sense because you are rising BECAUSE of the things or even doing these things as you rise, like getting rid of the monkey off your back.

if it was me, i would put "and so I rise"
zaac

MsJacquiiC

WHOA Zaac! Interesting... Didn't think of it that way...

Now that I re-read it - you may be right... I'll have to ponder this one...

Jacquii.

PaintedDiary

I loved both of your responses and combined them. Ms Jacquii, Zaac, Master Grumps, and anyone interested please let me know what you think, and I thank you all for your help in this.

Kim

athlone

PD - I thoroughly enjoyed this. The lilting melody of repetition like a recurring wave moving the theme ever onward to a momentous climax.
I only have one nit (which I think others have mentioned before):
I would change to:

Zvi

PaintedDiary