The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only! Just looking for some honest opinions as I am very new to this
Listen
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Biography: New and trying to get my head around poetry
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Listen
All this talk of suffering and hell, the end
Is bringing me to the edge
A place I said I wouldn't go! A pledge
To someone higher that can see the round
Hes telling me get this one
Bring him to me gaged and bound
As to me he is not to speak
LISTEN
I can assure you of heaven and hell!
I can give you the tools to wield
To make the journey
So its your choice
You can dig
Or you can build
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All this talk of suffering and hell, the end
Is bringing me to the edge
A place I said I wouldn't go! A pledge
To someone higher that can see the round
Hes telling me get this one
Bring him to me gaged and bound
As to me he is not to speak
LISTEN
I can assure you of heaven and hell!
I can give you the tools to wield
To make the journey
So its your choice
You can dig
Or you can build
I'm not sure if you're talking about God or the Godfather! I can see you're trying to say something important and I'm listening but am not sure exactly what you're saying. Suffering is taking you to the edge, there's someone telling you to bring someone to him, bound and gagged, but he doesn't speak to you?
I can usually get the message of a poem, I love digging through to find what the poet is trying to say. I would really appreciate it if you could explain just a little, the motivation behind this one. I like it, I just want to understand what you're saying.
Biography: New and trying to get my head around poetry
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Gail
Thank you first of all... I joined this site to get some help with wrapping my head around poetry. So your ( as being the only one) opinion is a blessing.
Ok this i guess was kinda taken out of text as I wrote it in a restaurant the other day. I kept hearing these loud and obnoxious guys talking about the war and how there couldnt be a god. This ones going to hell that ones going to hell. All this sent my mind in a frenzy and I wrote. So I guess there needs to be a lead into it as I will work on it......
Thank you
Marc
P.S. I will post one as well that had a little more time to brew...
Ok, from your description of what led to this poem, I can see the frenzy in it, and possibly a confusion. I don't write as many poems as I once did since I seriously concentrated on Eilia but can see this will be a great poem. The last poem I read of yours was very good so, yes, by all means, please add a lead in for this. It would help your reader to understand the incentive for this.
There are many talented poets here who can help you much better than I can to focus this poem. Poets?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alotmarc
Thank you first of all... I joined this site to get some help with wrapping my head around poetry. So your ( as being the only one) opinion is a blessing.
Ok this i guess was kinda taken out of text as I wrote it in a restaurant the other day. I kept hearing these loud and obnoxious guys talking about the war and how there couldnt be a god. This ones going to hell that ones going to hell. All this sent my mind in a frenzy and I wrote. So I guess there needs to be a lead into it as I will work on it......
Thank you
Marc
P.S. I will post one as well that had a little more time to brew...
Dear Marc,
First.. to JPiC. Second please don't get discouraged as often times in the summer months the forum seems to slow down a bit and poems take a bit more time to get to and be read.
I do like this poem as I felt it demanded attention and obviously has a strong message. I do agree in my opinion that you need a strong lead in. I thank you for the background for this and things seem clearer. The poem begins with such strong and powerful language, and I love that. However, yes, the beginning stanza reads of the conflict and "urgency", that leads to your emphasized word "LISTEN." At first, I was not quite sure as to who you were referring to to "listen", but after reading the background it is crystal clear. I look forward to the revision of this and you will absolutely get the help here for poetry and other literary needs. Take care.
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Ok try this
Ok i wrote a intro but it now seems to lose its "umph" . The urgency that was first there seems to be gone now....
Listen:
I don't think I can hear
One more story in my poor ear
On is there a heaven or a hell
Brought about by the war
This wasn't one of gods chores
To send us about
Just so he could watch us fight it out
Come on are you that naive
All this talk of suffering and hell, the end
Is bringing me to the edge
A place I said I wouldn't go! A pledge
To someone higher that can see the round
Hes telling me get these
Bring them to me gaged and bound
As to me they are not to speak
LISTEN
I can assure you of heaven and hell!
I can give you the tools to wield
To make the journey
So its your choice
You can dig
Or you can build
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hi marc...
í've read your poem. the revised one is much better
i love it... has deep meaning and a controversial one if expounded a lil more but i think it's enough if you dont want it that loud attention catching endless talk.
i love the last stanza... it has a lot to say!
to JPiC. Second please don't get discouraged as often times in the summer months the forum seems to slow down a bit and poems take a bit more time to get to and be read. 
