PaintedDiary

Flow with me,
hear my words of poetry,
about little brown girls',
journey from tragedy to spirituality.

Must love thyself unconditionally,
misty mirrors foresee,
chocolate candy sisters,
amour propre, yet lonely.

Witness illusive vanilla images,
exquisite nappy hair,
adorned with caramelized sugar skin,
they envy.

Some little brown girls, walk straight lines,
with crooked shoes,
fitted for a junkie,
bare brown feet decorate a gurney.
enslaved by euphoria induced consequences,
of ganja and cocoa leaves,
tainted dreams, tears savor salty__and all of twenty.

Little brown girls hear my bawdry words,
of what misty mirrors foresee,
love has no boundary when testing the sea,
naive appetite copious,
not choosy.

HIV, maybe a baby,
possible life changes, taken vaguely,
little brown girl's search for love,
was practiced dangerously,
she didn’t ask any of them, if germfree.

He said little brown girl was fine and sexy,
beautiful words to a little brown girl,
who is looking for any kind of love,
not a love that is deserving,
Dang!, Little brown girl said,
"He looks to good, to be sickly".

He said he was freaky,
said, no love here, because this [Censored] is free,
as he [Censored] her with his goatee,
about a minute, got in it, was over quickly.

He didn’t look in her eyes to see,
her love ripped painstakingly.
said he didn’t love her,
said he had more p*ssy to sightsee.

Why? Little brown girl’s love wasn’t stingy,
made her crazy…..that his love was,
only applied superficially,
am I not shapely_____enough,
missed meals chasin’ lily model stereotype beauty.

Misty mirror speaks wisdom loudly,
reflects back, her hair beautifully bushy,
blood purged,
no longer dirty,
pumps softly in every capillary.

Soul thirsts whispers from pedigree,
little brown girl’s body metamorphosed from HIV,
her intellect says study; maybe write a thesis,
for a degree.

Eventually….. her diary unfolds a story,
of a little brown girl’s life worth living,
education replenished, not from strangers,
but from loving family members,
who never stopped looking,
for their little brown girl,
faces reality of a positive result____yet surviving.

From African desert painted women in her family,
from every shade of wisdom____breathtaking.

Little brown woman, now as strong as the Sequoia,
makes love that tastes of honey and myrrh,
know thyself is a gift given preciously,
not to a false image,
but created in the image of Adam’s Eve.

Misty mirror teaches a lesson_____ clearly,
spoken words of little black girl’s memories.

FaShaBaby

hi, painted. definitely got the message in this.

the rhyming gave it this musical feel. is that where u were going with this? i can hear this as a song almost.

maye to offset this, u can write little brown boys without rhyming.

i will read this again and think of more ideas.

PaintedDiary

Hi FaSha,

Yes, I wanted that musical, spoken word, rhythmic feel to the piece. You are sooo right on point in my thinking!!! I wanted to do something just as powerful, but slightly different. Perhaps, not rhyming with the "Little Brown Boys" piece! That is a great idea! Thank you so much for taking time to read, and give feedback. I will await more of your expertise!!

Much Luv'...~*Painted Diary*~

PaintedDiary

Hey FaSha, I began to work on the "Little Brown Boys" piece, with your suggestion, of not rhyming. I'll see what I come up with!

Painted

MsJacquiiC

I don't know - I think the duet of pieces may work better with the rhyme scheme throughout.... Anyway KIM - this piece is AMAZING ----> I'm not sure how I even missed reading over this one... You're working with some very good material here - But since you've placed the poem in the Critiques Saloon I shall endeavor to offer some suggestions:

1. I absolutely love the "dialogue" feel that's going on within this piece. It's kinda like a back&forth deal - where sometimes a narrator is speaking & then the another distinct voice and possibly another? I'm not sure how many voices are in this piece - But I would like to suggest some type of quote structure with longer stanzas differenciating between the voices...

Possibly even the beginning stanza - you could introduce the narrator - I'm not sure how you'd go about doing this but perhaps:

He watches over them girls,
watching them hurl
pieces of weave in the wind:
"Flow with me,
hear my words of poetry...."

Sort of making the different voices KNOWN.

2. This piece reads as if it's a novela with different chapters, distinct sections... It's actually a long poem... What about making it as I. II. III.
Part I. would be the narrative intro leading to Part II. which begins the descriptive setting about HIV - which then segues to the Part III. the culmination. I can see the following as the type of structure I'm speaking about:

I. Flow with me....
II. HIV, maybe a baby...
III. Misty mirror speaks wisdom loudly...

It's like the beginning of each of those stanzas is a turning point of the poem. If that doesn't make sense I'll try to expound on that idea later - My lids seem kinda heavy LOL...

3. I love the language of this poem & even the cursing makes this poem just that much more "real" - ya know? I would suggest with the revision - that you not censor your words - I want to know exactly what the language IS - It adds to the strength of the "wisdom" you speak about in the very last stanza. PLUS I curse like 4 or 5 sailors @ times and it'll make me feel more at home

4. There's really not more I can really comment on about this poem - It's very well thought-out... I'd just like to see in print as it would be spoken... ((I can kinda imagine Queen Sheeba reading this one! The flow is on point.)) And to really accomplish that - like I said - would be a combining of the stanzas into just 3 distinct parts with quotations distinguishing the dialogue----------> KIM I hope this makes sense really! I'm about through till later LOL

Anyway - It really is a brilliant write - I enjoyed this one - Perhaps I can refresh and comment better later this evening - But at anyrate: Thanx for sharing it! I'll be looking forward to that 1st revision and the Little Brown Boy

Jacquii.

michael

I have more of a comment than critique
In that I love the way that this speaks to
the plight of little brown girls.
The pit falls and what it might take
to make it to become a woman. brown woman.
Also it brought back the memories of a book I once read called "For Colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf".."Ntozak Shange" Now that I look back I think that It may have been one of the first books that got me interested in reading and writing.

Your poetry is amazin

MsJacquiiC