rootcropped brain

(i need critics on this. i tried the villanelle form of poetry please tell me if my piece needs something to improve.. thanks a lot!)

From this nightmare awakened,
Profusely perspiring, short of breath,
I lost my tooth, is this the end?

In my dreams words won’t blend,
I ran, I ran past death
From this nightmare awakened.

Tormenting pain, to flames I descend,
Bit by bit my vanishing wealth,
I lost my tooth, is this the end?

My spirit in mid-air hanged, condemned,
My psyche crowned with wicked wreath,
From this nightmare awakened.

Anxiety grows vigorously stemmed,
Anguish from dread bequeath,
I lost my tooth, is this the end?

Bellow in vain, I can not comprehend,
Probing for hope, nothing was left,
From this nightmare awakened.
I lost my tooth is this the end?

butchiesmom

I'm not the one to critique this poem but I know there are many here who can. I see a lot of emotion, images, and love the eveness of the meter. My poems tend to stay in the free form style so giving any more of the critique you need wouldn't help.

I'm glad to see you posting Kei-Ann and hope to read more of your work.

hugs,
Gail

rootcropped brain

thanks for the time reading and commenting on my piece gail.. you've been nice to me since i first came here...
hope to catch you online again, i know it's hard coz we've got different time zones.. hehe...

Libralight

Hi: I don't know much about the villanelle either. But according to my book, you've followed the correct pattern for line structure placement. Since everybody who writes about villanelles says something different as to feet, I suppose anything goes. The only thing I see with yours that I think needs attention is the inverted format with lines:"From this nightmare awakened,"
(I awakened from this nightmare), "Tormenting pain, to flames I descend," (I descend into tormenting flames)My spirit in mid-air hanged, condemned, (my spirit is hanged and condemned in mid-air) At least I think my translation is what you meant by these sentences.
I also think the guy who thought this format up was a little nuts. I'm afraid I'm of no use with suggestions about whether or how to fix these, because anything I say would doubtless mess up the perfect line structure.
Good luck with it.
L

rootcropped brain

thank you for giving time! and yea i know lines are really inverted.. but that's the way it goes.. you have to invert your lines, if that's what it takes to follow the format of the poem.. and yes your translation is right.. i'm glad you did understand my inverted lines.. lolz..
but i think this would be alright you know (at least about the message of the piece), it's up to the reader to interpret what the writer's message. and everyone of us got different perspectives and i love to hear different interpretations. i dunno exactly why but those give me a great feeling, makes my brain work. so even with inverted lines, still understandable...

but i guess, as you've said i followed the correct pattern for the structure, perfectly... that would be enough..

thank you melody. thank you!