shayshay741

I dont like this poem... but i need it for my project. Help! :[

A single sudden glance was all it took
Just one look and I was instantly hooked
The whole world shifted right beneath me
Everything changed, somehow moved slightly
My life’s priorities rearranged in one moment
My desires, dreams, hopes, became now different
A single face, a single name now fills my head
Past loves and people are simply shed
Out of the blue, things seemed to happen
By chance or destiny is the question.

Mysty

Hiya Shayla.... please I hope you do not think I am picking on you.... You did ask for help and remember these are only suggestions you can use or lose because ultimately it is your work.

I have notice you like to repeat things .. take a look at your first two lines.. they essentially say the same thing. You could condense them to this:

Just one look was all it took
and I was hooked
My world shifted
and everything changed
My priorities rearranged
desires and dreams new

a single face and name in my mind
past lives and loves shed
like a winter coat
and out of the azure blue sky
life happens
by a gamble or a written fate,
is that now my question?

You see how I have used all of your ideas ... worded differently they say the same thing. You want to avoid repetition of words or phrases so close together. It can be dry and boring to read otherwise and I know you do not wish your work to be that. You do have a good start .... but remember this.. no poet or writer of literature became overnight. They worked hard at it and grew. You will too.

Mysty

Tha-Emissary

Nah it's really great backwards. Just flip it shay or as we like to say back that thang up!

Anonymous Encounter

i've never given critique before so sorry if its not any help.


i think your two lines

The whole world shifted right beneath me
Everything changed, somehow moved slightly

contricdict themselves. if the whole world has changed wouldn't it move more than slightly? your depicting this catastrophic event and then downplaying it by using the word 'slightly'. i don't mean to mess up your rhyme scheme i just noticed this. hope it helps!