The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!
Melancholy Butterfly
this thread has 11 replies and has been viewed 687 times
She smiles and tells me she’s
no good for me
It’s probably just as well
I look so deep into her eyes,
but she’s already gone
No wonder why her heart
feels cold as hell
She never gives a reason
for the way she is
But when I hold her close
she hangs on so tight
She swears she won’t
need anyone
to keep her safe and warm
But she still calls my name
in the middle of the night
She’s my melancholy butterfly
from an indigo cocoon
Her lonely eyes
have never cried
the tears of innocence
gone too soon
O, melancholy butterfly
can’t seem to find the wind
Her sad disguise
and silent cries
frozen by winters moon
She’ll never say she
ever needed me
The best that I can hope for
is the pyre
that burns ice blue
and cuts my heart in two
before she’ll say the words…
the words she knows
will set my soul on fire
The changing seasons always
bring the warm spring air
and I still sit beneath
these stars
The chrysalis that held her soul
is feeling like my heart
But oh, those wings of gossamer
how they shimmer in the light
She’s my melancholy butterfly
from an indigo cocoon
Her lonely eyes
have never cried
the tears of innocence
gone too soon
O, melancholy butterfly
silken wings in velvet flight
The summer moon
will wait for you
to bathe you in its light
Last edited by zaac; 09-05-2007 at 08:42 AM.
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Biography: Father of five, Grumps to two, I've been writing poetry since '93, and also love helping other poets
alanmdouglas has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
alanmdouglas has not championed any arcade games.
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Dear David,
This is my 2nd visit to crit, and I still find it difficult - but will, soon.
Meanwhile, perhaps I could suggest that you read this one to yourself, but ALOUD, becuase when I read it I keep finding little things that don't quite flow the way the content of this poem deserves.
I wonder whether you pick up on any of those before I return ?
If you do amend, perhaps you could nudge me to respond, cuz I get forgetful, and the notifications don't always get thru.
She swears she don’t (Perhaps use doesn't)
need anyone
frozen by winters moon (Um...do you mean winter's ?)
haha..sorry, me being anal on the grammar...but i'm hoping that these little things i say don't mess up the flow...alan is right, you might want to read it out loud and add couple syllables here and there to make it flow better :]
no i didn't mean doesn't. i meant don't. i tend to write kind of lyrically, so i've never had an issue with being prim and proper with some grammar. If it was still an issue before publishing I guess I would have to find a solution, but for now it works for me. lol
You're gonna have to be much more specific about what you have problems with. I think it flows well. I have had suggestions on things in this piece before, but never having anything to do with the flow. It's interesting you said that. But hey thats what this place is for and I'm thick skinned so I can handle it. Just not sure what you're lookin at. Please let me know and I'll take a look. Now you have me puzzled. I have not only read it aloud, but sung it aloud. As I told Mango, this piece actually is a set of lyrics. Perhaps that is where the uneasiness with it for you comes from. Writing musically, if I want to divide up words, yet maintain the same note, I can. Maybe try reading it as lyrics and not strict poetry.
Biography: Father of five, Grumps to two, I've been writing poetry since '93, and also love helping other poets
alanmdouglas has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
alanmdouglas has not championed any arcade games.
Instant Message Info Is Private.
Dear David,
Fascinating - I look at it with fresh eyes as a LYRIC and it all comes together - so I will happily withdraw my suggestions - a lyric needs repetition, which in a poem acts like a drag, perhaps.
Glad thisworks for you as alyric, I guess I would encourage you to say so as you post, cuz it really is necessary to wear different eyes and ears !
thanks alan. by the way...for some reason, your mind intrigues me. and i usually do label things as lyrics if they are. I am going to be happy to put more in the saloon because I think you are a great asset to this site. Thanks again.
Biography: Father of five, Grumps to two, I've been writing poetry since '93, and also love helping other poets
alanmdouglas has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
alanmdouglas has not championed any arcade games.
Instant Message Info Is Private.
Dear David,
You are very kind, but I'm worried that I may not be quite as good as you are hoping - so ifg I do goof, bear in mind the good stuff I have also done earlier !
Btw, as a critter, I am no way as good on lyrics - I see them having a whole quite different set of dynamics.
