J. Marie

My dream one day
is of passionate play.

To be made love to
entirely as a woman,
in a room full of candle
lit glow upon a bed of
RED and WHITE
ROSE petals.

As the sweet aroma
fills the air,
a light breeze
flows through a slightly
open window.

The gentle air cools
two bodies in motion
that radiate shadows
upon the walls.
Capturing intense
moments of burning desire!

Soft moans echo thru the hall.

PaintedDiary

J. Marie

Thank you once again my friend. It is so funny I was going for silhouettes, changed it because I think I used it in another poem of mine...LOL

I like unusual words too. Need to continue to update my vocabulary..one step at a time right?? I do use my thesaurus as much as possible...So much to learn..but that is how we improve.

Thanks again....wish that love making was happening to me right now...wouldn't that be awesome? That always has been a dream of mine. Just need the right man.

MsJacquiiC

Hey J. MARIE - I am liking this poem so much... I think we all have the dream of being made love to, whether we are male or female So let's talk about this dream and a few suggestions I have for this piece:

The 1st stanza...

One thing I like to see in poetry is action. I think this would do very well for the 1st stanza, as well as subtley enticing the reader into your dream - so to speak LOL ------> I don't think "one day" works very well with this poem though - It's like you're telling me what you want to happen, instead of telling me what WILL happen or has happened...

I think the 1st stanza will benefit and begin the poem more abbrumptly with similar line:

"I have a dream" -----------> those words immediately entices the writer, as they are the famous beginning of Martin Luther Kings notorious speech... Then subtely begin the dreams description...

"I have a dream
of one silky day
in passionate love play..."

This way - see the words are leading up to your description of the rose petals (i.e. silky & passionate) You should find the lines that better fit with you're idea of the rose petals, as I think that is probably one of the most descriptive scenes of this dream...

ALSO, speaking of the petals... One knows the red & white of rose petals OK ----> I think possibly more poignant adjectives should be used to describe them. LOL - I know exactly what you mean by updating vocab... I used to actually read the thesaurus for fun LOL, anyway you may want to find an adjective that both defines red&white whilst also describing not ONLY the color, but has a bit of sensuality in the meaning as well ----> double entendre I think it is called

example: cotton-white defines the color AND also has the feeling of something soft...

I love KIM's idea of "zephir" ----> 'tis one of my favorite poetic words also - But perhaps you will want to make the zephir have some type of action, rather than merely being described:

As the sweet aroma
fills the air,
a light breeze
flows through a slightly
open window.

BECOMES:

As the sweet aroma
fills the air,
a light zephir
flows through a slightly
open window.

WHICH BECOMES:

As the aroma (so sweet)
wafts and fills the air,
the zephir becomes one with it,
flowing eversoe slightly
through the open window..

or something similar - When the noun takes on power - it moves the poem along, rather than being moved by the poem - if that makes any sense whatsoever LOL

But really the idea that you've started with is a very good one, as like I said at the beginning of this critique: We all relate to being loved...

I think this poem is very publishable, with a little tweaking of course - The main part I think you need to work on for this poem is to add "body" to the poem... Make the dream flourish & bloom - so to speak...

Near the ending of the poem - you may also want to remind your reader about the dream of the beginning stanza...

example:

The gentle air cools
two bodies in motion
that radiate shadows
upon the walls.
Capturing intense
moments of burning desire,
this dream so intense!

And it's real when soft moans
echo thru the hall.
-----
-----

When you begin the editing process, you may find that you're poem is a little longer than the "mandated" 20 lines -----> I recommend actually that your poem be between 20 and 30 lines actually.... So play around with the line structure ---- lengthen the amount of words per line, adding more descriptive body to the poem.

So those are just a few suggestions - I hope they make sense LOL
AND as I said, you've got yourself a real fine idea for published poem -
I look forward to seeing your 2nd revision
Thanx for sharing!

Jacquii.

ps - If you have any questions about this critique OR questions about what I mean - just PM me and I'll try to clarify OK

alanmdouglas

Dear J,

Sorry I cannot oblige re the red and white petals, etc, but I can offer crit. Please note that ALL I say is to be accepted OR rejected by you, point for point, cuz it is my intention to show you alt ways, to have or chuck. Added or changed words will be in CAPS, as is DEL where something vanishes. Punct changes are not marked. Perhaps you can print out and compare side by side.

Love
Alan

My dream one day
is of passion AND play,
to be entirely made love to
as a woman,
in a room full of candle DEL glow
DEL upon a bed of red and white rose petals. - omit the caps on words

As DEL sweet aromaS fill the air,
a light breeze flows
through aN DEL open window,
coolING OUR two bodies, in motion
that radiateS shadows
onTO the walls,
capturing THOSE intense
moments of burning desire
WHILE soft moans echo .... DEL