tasvik

Hey!
As a beginner i realise there's lots of improvement needed in my work. Another reason is that my native speech isn't english, so in my regret, i think i use a lot of cliche (wrong?) language.
So, i hope i can find some critiques in here, i'd love to grow in this.
Thanks in advance!

Greetings,
tasvik


Life's password


Still, you're sitting still, thinking
tell me about what, are your hopes sinking
did you figure it out, life's password
'cause to me, you're owning so many answers

I'd like to talk to you about forever
how these hands of yours still make it matter
you stretch them out to help us stand
tearing you down, you stretch them out again

Running isn't for you anymore
tired of keeping you're eyes on the backdoor
without a fight, you let the bomb blast
figuring this cut fades out the last

You ask me what i dream, it's you
my guidance, untouchable, but i grew
Angry, you let them take you away
I'm not prepared to loose you one day

Running isn't for you anymore
tired of keeping you're eyes on the backdoor
without a fight, you let the bomb blast
figuring this cut fades out the last

alanmdouglas

Dear Niemand (nobody ?),

I will paste this poem with my offerings for change back as an answer - if you compare yours and mine side by side you will see. I will also add a * where I add, change or delete something, incl punctuation.

Your English is not bad a t all, so don’t put yourself down, there will be plenty of others too willing to do that for you !

Life's password

Still, you're sitting still, thinking.*
T*ell me what* about. A*re your hopes sinking,*
did you figure it out, life's password
seems* to me, you* own* * many answers

I'd like to talk to you about forever,*
how * your* hands * still make it matter
as* you stretch them out to help us stand.*
T*earing you down, yet* you stretch * out again

Running isn't for you anymore,
tired of keeping you're eyes on the back* door
without a fight, you let the bomb blast,*
figuring this cut fades out the last
– do not understand these last 2 lines

You ask me my* dream -* it's about* you,
my guidance, untouchable, but I* grew
a*ngry, you let them take you away
I'm not prepared to lo*se you one day

Running isn't for you anymore,
tired of keeping you're eyes on the back* door
without a fight, you let the bomb blast
figuring this cut fades out the last – ditto !

Sorry I do not understand all the poem - where I have made changes you MUST agree, or throw them out - because this has to stay your poem !

I hope Ihave helped a little - if you want to explain the bits I don’t get, I could help some more.

Love
Alan

lanaia74

Loved it! Totally AWESOE!

tasvik

Hey, thanks very much for the answer, Alan. It's really great. All the punctuations, i find it hard to use them in a poem. But it makes the reading easier.

The meaning of this sentence:

without a fight, you let the bomb blast,
figuring this cut fades out the last.

Well, bad things keep on happening with this person, he end up getting hurt all the time. Because he doesn't want to make things worse, he lets it happen. But you know when, for example, you have a sentence in your finger. When you pinch yourself real hard, the sentence won't hurt so much anymore. It's kind like that, but mentally.

Thanks, again, also to Lanai

greetings
Lanai

(you're right, Lanai is nobody )

alanmdouglas

Dear Niemand,

Loook on punctuation as a way for you, the poet, to give hints to the reader as to your intentions - road-signs, if you like. That way they become easy.

comma = short pause
semi-colon = longer pause, or break in subject matter, but not a total break
endstop = just that.
dash - often used before and after a "comment" - ie a sub-idea - in a sentence, as shown here !

Sometimes an awkward-sounding poetic phrase can be straightened out by just adding one of the above, to enforce the ba-dums you are working with.

I think you will find it easier to see all this if you read your poem ALOUD - the tongue cannot slide over glitshes the way the eye will - you know those clever questions like "read this para - how many f are there in it" - and you say 2, but have completely missed 3 more that were all in "of"s, the eye missed them !

Love
Alan

tasvik

My God, i just saw what i wrote again, i said Lanai is nobody, ofcourse i meant niemand is nobody. Let's blame the tiredness. I'm sorry, Lanaia, i'm absolutely sure you're a fantastic somebody

Greeting,
tasvik